Still in a panic over the ex situation, as he has, per usual, already begun his crazy presumptions about us and the future, even though everything I have said to him since our original conversation has been "Slow the hell down!" Eek. No idea what I'm going to do about this. And of course for the past week or so I have also been enormously stressed by the fucking morons I work for, along with the pressure of getting ready for Christmas, and then, just this past weekend, car trouble. Car trouble that no one can replicate once it's at the shop...3 days before I drive 8 hours home. No stress there! Gah!! All I ask at this point is to get to the New Year without anything else!!

Holy fucking crap...last night I completely opened Pandora's Box with my ex. While I had some idea that he still had feelings for me, I had no idea that he was planning on breaking up with his girlfriend of 6 years and asking me to try again, which is exactly what he did last night. And for whatever reason, I decided I might as well be honest with him about some things too, though looking back on the conversation today, most of my statements were more factual about things from the past, while his were more emotional and nostalgic. Gah! What have I done?

And, yes, the British guy has gone completely MIA. Ignoring my incredibly threatening "Good morning. How are you?" IM on Tuesday, then going offline completely till yesterday. Guess he's decided I've gotten the message. Fucking coward.

Why are they all like that? I just can't grasp it. I so want to send him just one more IM that says just "Seriously?? You're 42 years old."

And what sucks even more than how literally personally heartbroken I felt the first few days after the weekend, is how I have once again lost faith in men in general. I'm also pissed that he opened a door that had been, very comfortably, closed for several years now and now I feel like I'm completely off my game in terms of everything I was doing before the last few weeks...going forward with some form of the Cupcake Dream, getting excited about Christmas, working on ignoring my damn leg, etc. How fucking ridiculous is it that one man's juvenile actions can still do that to me?? I hate it! I feel 16 years old again!

The only upside: my ex did manage to save things for men in general just a bit by telling me he'd dedicated a song I like (and he doesn't) to me at his gig the other night. That gave me one little happy spot in a really crappy week.

God, I HATE dating!!!!!!! So many fucking games and bullshit! It's now been 3 days since I've heard from British guy, though he is clearly online all day and night. How fucking ridiculous is it that I am 44 years old and still have to play the stupid "should I wait for him to contact me first so as not to scare him away" game? At this age, shouldn't we be able to just express ourselves as adults??? Gah! Now I TOTALLY remember why I quit doing this!

Turns out I spent actually did spend some time last Friday night crying...primarily over the guy. After going home from work, after having major car trouble I wasn't sure how to deal with on the way home, and baking my first batch of cupcakes, and not hearing from him since that morning, I pretty much had a cry fest on the couch. Listened to some music that always makes me cry and just let myself boohoo for awhile before I went to bed. As it turned out, he texted me at 11:15pm, asking if I was still up and if we were still on for the next day. As I had just gotten into bed, I was still up, but considered not responding, as I really felt it was rude for him to text me that late. But I gave in and texted him back, letting him know I was still up. He then immediately called me to make plans for Saturday, though my car issues made them kind of amorphous. However, he volunteered to pick me up at the car place if I could find one to take me, and I agreed to that.

As it turned out, the rest of the weekend was wonderful, short of the fact that my car ended up having all 6 cylinders replaced, costing me $1000, which, had I not had the British guy coming to get me, would have put me into a complete panic. Luckily, instead, I just focused on him, and our lunch/coffee date went what I felt was really well. I did have to ask most of the questions, but he was better about responding with questions in person, so it worked out well. I left him feeling completely giddy. He made me feel interesting, fun, and even sexy, which I haven't felt in forever. It was wonderful.

Another wonderful thing about the weekend was that I found a great new radio station that plays nothing but 80's and 90's music. I turned it on as soon as I got home Saturday night and danced around my house while baking my second batch of cupcakes. I was completely high on my date afterglow, the music and the baking.

On Sunday, I got up early and frosted all of the cupcakes, then took them to the coffee bar for Cupcake Camp, which was an absolute ton of fun. I met some really great people, had a lot of fun handing out cupcakes, hanging out with the friends I'd invited and winning 3rd prize for best tasting among the 16 bakers. I left there giddy as well, high on new people and sugar! Then I got home and stayed up till midnight watching the Saints win on Sunday night football game.

I'm actually still pretty high today...even though I haven't heard from my guy since Saturday. He's been online today at work, but hasn't IM'd me yet, which has been disappointing, since he IM'd me "good morning" every day last week (when he was off work) and I told him how much I enjoyed that. However, I'm really feeling like I want him to make the next move. He definitely knows I'm interested in him, and at this point, should definitely be over his shyness with me, so I'm literally sitting on my hands today to keep from IM'ing him first. But I am giving him at least until tomorrow to contact me somehow, as I know he is probably busy being back at work after a week. I'm just hoping he's not regretting anything from Saturday, or sitting there waiting for me to contact him first...I really want him to be "man enough" to make his own move here. Though of course it is slowly killing me waiting for him to do it! (Though you'd think after all the rejection I've gone through over the years, I'd be prepared for this, but somehow it still hurts every time. Also, he and I even DISCUSSED letting the other one know if we decided we changed our mind about the other later. But my guess is he'd chicken out of that deal anyway.)

Oh well...just trying to be patient and remember how great the weekend was and just appreciate it for what it was -- my best weekend probably in years!

Today is another one of those "I just feel like crying days", though in many ways it shouldn't be. The biggest reason for it is that, in the past few days, my right big toe had been feeling numb. Not good. I'm also having increased pain in my leg for the past few days, which after lifting suitcases last weekend, wearing heels all day Wednesday for a date that didn't happen, and then taking two very physical water aerobics this week, makes me wonder if I've pushed myself into some further damage. The dermatome for that area is actually S1 or possibly L4, as it's more the inside & bottom of the toe area. I see my GP next week and I'm terrified to tell him. Not that he will automatically send me off to surgery, but just that telling him will make it more "real." I've felt like I've been coasting pretty well the past few months, just living with the pain and really, getting used to it. But sensory changes do not bode well.

The other reason I feel like crying today is the guy with whom my date did not happen on Wednesday. He's a British guy who contacted me online and after a few days of semi-awkward IMs, we set up a coffee date for Wednesday night, but he canceled at the last minute. It was a sincere reason and we actually ended up talking on the phone that evening for the first time and that went well. And he asked me to get together on Saturday, which was good. And we've been IM'ing every day, but I'm noticing that he might be one of those guys who never asks me anything about me. So if I don't ask him questions, the conversation dies. His online profile says that he's shy, so I'm hoping that meeting in person and getting comfortable with each other helps him come out more. But if we meet in person and I'm still the only person asking questions, I'm not sure how it's going to go.

I'm also stressed out right now over having to make two different kinds of cupcakes this weekend for an event on Sunday. It's something I'm looking forward to, but I'm really worried about screwing them up. I can't even remember which recipe I have been using for my chocolate ones! And I'm worried that my current ridiculous level of medication is going to make me screw something up in the baking process. Plus, I'm worried that trying to fit the British guy into the weekend is going to cause me stress over the cupcakes too, as I still don't know exactly when we're meeting, and I feel like he needs to be the one to bring it up again, and he might not. So I have no idea when I'm actually going to be baking, going out with him (if I even do), etc. Result: stress. And the need to cry. Gah!

Today is 11/11/11. Don't know why I feel I need to make note of that, but I do. Very cool.

Anyway, here's my newest "crisis": an issue with one of the water aerobics instructors at my new gym. She's one of those drill instructor type bitches who wants no talking, no fun, and everyone to do everything exactly as she does it, no matter what their level of fitness or injury. I told her before my very first class with her that I was taking the class on a medical prescription due to my back injury and that I might have to modify some of my movements due to it. Her response? In the bitchiest tone possible, "I am an aerobics instructor, not a physical therapist. If you can't keep up with my class, then you shouldn't be here!" I was completely shocked, but managed to tell her "No problem. If I can't keep up, I will happily get out of the pool and leave." Since then, she has continually barked at me any time I modify any of her exercises, and every time, I tell her "I'm not allowed to do that." Finally, this past week, we were in a circle doing an exercise when she came right up to me and told me I was doing it wrong, to which, as always, I replied, "I'm not allowed to do it that way. I'm modifying it for my back." She then literally told me "Well, then, step back, because you're obstructing my class!" I was so pissed I couldn't even speak. I couldn't decide if I should just get up and walk out, go report her to a manager, tell her off myself, or what. I decided that none of those things would actually help the situation, because her bullying personality would only get worse if I did any of that. Instead, I just carried on with the class, though without looking at her at all. When the class was over, however, the incident was the talk of all the women in the class. They couldn't believe she would be allowed to speak to people like that. Then last night, pretty spontaneously, I decided to go speak to a manager about it before class (this one with a wonderful instructor). I basically just asked if an instructor was allowed to threaten to kick people out of class who were medically unable to do every exercise exactly as the instructor did them. I didn't even have to give her name...the manager knew exactly who I was talking about. And of course she said that no instructor could kick anyone out for ANY reason like that. They are told to allow encourage everyone to work at their own pace, modifying anything they need to. She then asked if any of the other instructors were not following that rule, and I told her no, that everyone else was wonderful. It was just the one instructor who was so inappropriate. And while I didn't really intend to give all the details of what she had said to me personally, I did. Though I also asked the manager NOT to speak to the instructor personally about it, because I knew that would only make her worse. I told her I just needed to know the policies of the gym, so that I would know how to handle the situation in the future. The manager said that was fine, but that she would keep a closer eye on the instructor (and maybe even come to the next class herself!). So while I do plan to go to the bitch's class tomorrow (and fully ignore anything she says to me), I am considering whether going to her classes are even worth it, since her attitude is so bad. I'm considering just doing the two other night classes (taught by others) and then going once a week on my own...and maybe even talking some of the other women into doing a little group session just in a swim lane or something, since so many of them have been turned off by that instructor as well. We'll see. One good thing: a new branch of this gym opens near my house in January, so hopefully I will be done with her completely then!

Saw the doctor yesterday, and even though his scale showed me 6 pounds heavier than mine, (GRR!), it still showed a loss and he was very proud of me for it. He thinks by my next appointment in December we may be able to start lessening my BP meds, which would be WONDERFUL. And will also be a great incentive for me to stay on track through Thanksgiving!

On a less happy note, my business class really sucked last night and it was the one that I actually needed most -- the financial projections process. The instructor was completely scattered and gave out all kinds of random financial worksheets that none of us could really understand or use at this point, then told us to be prepared to present a draft of our entire plan in class next week! Which is ridiculous since several people in the class haven't even decided on their exact business yet! And which I, the person with the most work already done, can't even do because her only advice to me for getting the financial info I need to make my projections was "go get a job in a bakery." Oh, OK, let me find a bakery and get a job this week and pump my boss for his financial info on my very first day so that I can use it to get my plan together for next Tuesday! Just flat out stupid! Then she wants all to bring "guests" to the last class to present our plans to them! Even more stupid! I'm almost thinking of skipping the last two classes and just going to the good water aerobics class instead. I'd definitely get more out of it!

I've come up with a new motto for my weight loss program: Shock & Awe. As much as I hate to use a term invented by the Bush administration for a senseless war, I think it's totally appropriate for me at this point. I'm now 23 pounds lighter than the last time most of my family saw me, and I'm hoping to add one or two more to that total by Thanksgiving. And better than that, I'm about 45 pounds lighter than the last time my father saw me, and I don't think he even knows I'm even working on it, so I'm hoping the real shock & awe will come from him. And his brother. And my mom's neighbors. Anyone I can get some positive reinforcement out of so that I don't do anything stupid over the holidays and get off track!

Probably the only thing I actually still like about this job? The rare times I get to sent settlement money to clients who truly deserve it and are extremely grateful for it. I've gotten to do it twice in the last week and it's been a few rare minutes of wonderful.

While I've always said that 2pm to 3pm is the longest, slowest, most horrible hour of the day, I think I am wrong. The last 15 minutes of the day are actually the worst. Because they are the time that you are sitting on pins and needles, praying that your boss doesn't come in with some new request and that no client calls with some urgent need. I am sitting through those 15 minutes right now and they are literally KILLING ME. I soooo just want to leave right now so that nothing new can come up!

Well, I've now been to three totally different water aerobics classes...and I can't believe I'm about to admit it, but I'm actually enjoying them! Especially the one I went to last night. Had a very understanding and helpful instructor, who was great at helping me modify things to help my back. It was also the most fun group of women in the class I've had yet. Unfortunately, I won't be able to take that class again until December, when my business class is over. I only got to take it last night because we had a one time change in the business class schedule. Tonight I take a class from the only instructor I haven't met yet, though I hear she's not the best. I guess we'll see. I'm still totally resenting having to deal with packing everything and dealing with all the wet things after class...I am a total spaz about it - I can't seem to get an organized process going for it all. I also hate getting home so late. And so far, I haven't lost any weight either, which is pissing me off. But I guess all I can do it stick to the diet and go to the classes, and wait.

Amazingly, I DID manage to convince my GP that the walking was fine, but only after I myself caved and signed up for a water aerobics class at the LA Fitness by my old apartment! I decided that his idea of "throwing everything we have at this" (i.e., 2400mg a day of Neurontin, only water exercise, and a third ESI) was something that I would actually feel better if I tried, because after my 5 days of walking, my pain was definitely increased. And I thought that if I was really going to be able to sort out what helps the pain, I needed to start the water aerobics immediately, so I can see if they help me at all before we throw the steroid into the mix in a week or two. (I'm already on the 2400mg of Neurontin, and it's doing ZIP for the pain.) Then, if neither the water class nor the steroid give me much improvement, I'm going back to the treadmill, and will just find a way to live with the pain, as long as I'm not losing any motor strength or reflexes.

Of course, that's all dependent on whether I ever get to TAKE a water aerobics class. I went through all the hassle of packing half my house into a bag yesterday, leaving work early to get to the gym so I have time to change out of my sweats and get to speak to the instructor before class, only to get there and be told the class had been canceled because the instructor's child was sick. Gah!!! The only good part of it was that the bathing suit I had on turned out to be too big now to stay up, so there was a good possibility of a "wardrobe malfunction" had I actually worn it in class. And of course it was amazing for me to realize that I have lost 20 pounds since I last wore that suit in July, when it still fit. The down side: the only suits I have that fit are old and really out of style. So I will be ordering new suits off the internet today, as there certainly aren't any in the stores in October!

In other news, I had my second business class on Tuesday, and I basically taught it! It was on researching your competition, and as I was the only person who's actually already done this, I was pretty much the primary speaker for the evening. The instructor even asked me to share my 7 page questionnaire that I created with everyone by email and bring in a book I read about it to the next class! So it was nice to know that everything I've done so far really had me on the right track! Can't wait for next week's class!

Well, the GP did cut me off at the knees a bit. While he doesn't really think walking on the treadmill is really hurting me, even though it does increase my pain a bit the next day, he told me he wants me give it up completely ("just in case") and to go take a water aerobics class at what I thought was a health club near my office. He told me they had classes M, W & F at 6pm, and I grudgingly (because I hate having to pay money to a gym again and I hate the hassle of changing clothes, etc.) agreed to look into it. Well, it turns out its actually all the way at the hospital in midtown, way south of here, and it starts at 6:30pm, not 6pm, and lasts an hour. So basically there's no way I'd get home till after 8pm. And as I'm already getting home after 9pm on Tuesdays due to my class, my whole week would have me eating dinner way past my self-imposed cut off time, plus losing any sort of a relaxing evening except for Thursday. I was pissed. So I decided to go over my GP's (and my pain doctor's) head and called my surgeon. I spoke to his PA, who was completely shocked that the pain doctor told me I shouldn't walk, and said that there was no way the surgeon would EVER say that. He said that unless it actually hurt WHEN I walk, or caused pain way beyond what I've been having, there was no way for me to be making anything worse and that he would completely encourage me to keep walking as much as I can to get the weight off. So while I thought of emailing my GP about this right away, I decided I'm going to wait till next week (which was our deal - I get to walk for 25 minutes a day for 5 days, then report ANY change in pain, which would make me have to do only the water aerobics) when hopefully my body will be more used to walking again and the pain might just lessen naturally, then tell him about my conversation with the PA. But I am completely convinced that keeping my treadmill routine is the best route - particularly for my mental state at this point. I actually enjoy it, especially since the Biggest Loser is back on, and I have now really committed to the 5 days a week routine. The water class is just going to make me resentful of the hassle, the money, and the loss of my down time, and I REALLY don't think that is going to help me at all right now. And while I understand that my GP really wants the best for me and wants to "throw everything we have" at the physical problem right now, I think he has no clue how big the mental part of it is for me. So hopefully next week I can tell him in a way that will make him get that. We'll see...

And now it's official. I can no longer talk to my coworker about ANYTHING other than complaining about our jobs, which I am making a concerted effort NOT to do lately, as it's completely non-constructive, and I'm tired of spending my whole 8 hours in the office every day being negative. And in an effort not to do that, I've tried to talk to her about more personal things, but she is now so completely consumed with negativity that she literally argues with me about everything personal I try to bring up. She literally berates me on things or makes negative statements with absolutely no basis (like about my family members whom she has never even met!). She just HAS to be negative and bitchy about EVERYTHING. And I'm done with it. I've stopped asking her to lunch already, and while I miss having company at lunch, I don't miss the negative crap at all. I'd rather read a magazine alone. And now I'm going to start narrowing our interactions to as minimal as possible unless she happens to approach me first. I just can't take her attitude any more.

Well, for this morning at least, I'm in a better space than my last post. I started a "Launch Your Startup" course at Emory last night and I am super excited about it. By the end of its 8 weeks, I should have a complete business plan to be able to take the to the SBA. And this class popped up (literally!) at a really good time. I was definitely depressed last week about the return of my leg pain and my confusion of what to do about it. But then, out of nowhere, Emory sent me a "Late Registration" email about this course that started literally 5 days later, and I took it as a sign from the universe that it's time to stop worrying about the "what ifs" of my back and just get the hell on with my life! So when I see my GP today, he will be the first of my doctors that I ask about whether there is any real problem with me doing this. I really think if I do it right, I won't be risking further injuring my back, and as long as I'm not losing motor strength or reflexes, and I'm doing something I love (and concentrating on that instead of my back), I think I can suck up the pain I have now and live with it. Of course, I also need to research preexisting condition issues with getting new insurance, and talk to my dad about the possibility of him helping me with surgery later if it ends up I have to have it, but right now I really feel like if I could get out of a job I hate, that has me sitting all day, and focus on something I want (that would keep me standing most of the time!), I might be able to avoid surgery altogether. Now I just need to hope that the GP doesn't say something to day that deflates my positive attitude!!

Boo! I've been back on the treadmill for just 2 days and my pain has definitely increased. Not during or after I walk (at just 3mph and for only 20 minutes!), but the next day. I really feel like crying about it today. I have felt sooo much better in the last week or so, either from the ESI or the increased Neurontin, or both, that I can't believe 20 minutes on the treadmill is really causing me pain, but it appears to be true. The pain doctor advised me against any exercise to begin with, and I went a whole week with none. He then said I shouldn't do more than a mile or so a day, which is exactly what I'm doing, and the damn pain is returning. It's so hard for me to physically understand how walking on the treadmill is any different from normal everyday walking, but apparently it is. So now I'm really confused about what I should do. I HAVE to exercise to get this weight off -- I've been plateaued in a 3-4 pound range for the last two weeks, and I know the lack of exercise is part of it. Of course part of it is also my screwed up digestive system due to all the drugs I'm on, which I'm trying to fix with Benefiber, etc., but so far, not much luck. Gah!! I'm so frustrated!! I see my GP next week and then the pain MD the week afterwards, but I'm going to be a complete mess if I have to go until then with this situation. This sucks!!

In follow up to my previous post, I spent the next Saturday (against my doctor's orders after my 2nd ESI on Friday - oops!) taking the huge pile of fat clothes to Goodwill and also taking a pile of other clothes -- good ones that I wanted to keep -- to the tailor to have them taken in! So I get to pick up what essentially will be 11 new pairs of pants and a new skirt next this weekend! It felt SOOOO awesome. And since I did all that, I've found even more things that need to go to both places -- very motivating! And while my weight has been sort of stuck in a 3-4 pound range for the past few weeks (probably because of the steroids and the lack of exercise -- per doctor's orders), I think it is back on the way down now. And since I'm going to start back on the treadmill today, though still for limited time periods, I'm sure I'll be down a few more pounds before I see my doctor again next week, and that's my real goal right now.

Another thing I've decided I have to do, after living through another hospitalization of my mom this past week (this time for an epidural hematoma on her spinal cord after a cervical ESI last week!) was to really try and work on being less negative in general every single day. Even though she was in a fair amount of pain for the first few days last week, mom was actually happy in the hospital for two simple reasons: she had her iPhone and her Nook with her. I.e., things that she could play with and learn about, which are the things that keep her happy and positive about things. The last few days she was there we had several conversations about how we both need to focus more on the positive things in life and do things to make ourselves feel happy and comfortable. For her, those things were basically centered around making herself spend money on fixing up her house. For me, they were more centered around making the best of my current work situation during the time I have to be here and to work on making as many positive new outside contacts as I can. I cannot live my life dealing with just the four other in this office, one of which (and unfortunately, the only one I am close to) has become almost completely negative and has driven me almost to the point of confronting her about it, because it's either that or avoid her almost completely, which clearly can't (and shouldn't) be done. But I need to spend more time with my more positive and supportive friend and her family, and then find some ways to make some new friends. Not quite sure how I'm going to do that exactly, but I am definitely making major efforts to talk to people more when I am out and about in everyday life, and that ALWAYS makes me feel good. And you never know where some random conversation will lead. So that's sort of my start. It may be small, but it's something!

In celebration of reaching my first big weight loss goal, I went a little crazy clothes shopping this weekend...spending much more than I should have and buying things like a really cute suit that, right now, I really have no need for, but I just couldn't resist. And buying it made me feel like it just might bring me some luck in the job hunt. Fingers crossed!

I also spent yesterday afternoon going through my closet and getting rid of my fat clothes. The stack of jeans and pants alone was about 2 feet tall! I texted a picture of it to my mom, sister and sister-in-law to get a little positive feedback for my efforts (which was wonderful) and also to make myself to be continually accountable to them, since they are all doing the same thing. The best part of going through the closet, however, was finding a whole bunch of things I completely forgot I had...a lot of which I had never even worn because it was just a little too tight when I bought it, and now fits wonderfully! In fact, I am wearing the cutest little black top today that had been hidden for over a year...it's like going shopping in your own house for free! (Actually, if I'd done the closet cleaning on Saturday before going shopping, I might not have gone shopping at all and saved myself a lot of money...but what the hell! I deserve it!)

On a happier note, I do have one area of my life that is working well....I am really rocking the weight loss right now, even with the injury! I have lost almost 40 pounds in the last 6 months (and am now the lightest I've been in over 7 years) and it has been really empowering. It's even got me interested in possibly dating again, which I haven't been in years!

Ok, I'm just going to stop talking to everyone about anything personal. Even my mother. Now that I've decided to try and avoid surgery due to the risk of it turning out to be a fusion, all she can talk about is that that is probably what I need to do. I think it's primarily because I told her that if I could find a way to manage the pain medically without doing any motor or nerve damage, I would go ahead and quit my job and move on to the cupcake dream. She thought that was totally ridiculous and went on a rant about me jumping into things I shouldn't even be thinking about right now...what if I ended up having to have the surgery later, I should stay with this insurance until I know for sure, etc. Well, there IS NO KNOWING FOR SURE! Unless I start having sensory or motor deficits, it's all amorphous! And I refuse to stay in this hell hole of a job forever "just in case"! I will find a way to get insurance on my own, even if it means begging Dad for the money for it! And I will find a way to get my dream! It may be more complicated than I originally thought and may take a lot of money grubbing on my part, but the longer I'm here and the longer I'm miserable, the more resolved I am to get out and do something that makes me happy, back injury be damned!

Well, it's day 7 after my ESI, and wow, what a surprise, I'm still in pain. And I followed the doctor's orders completely...no exercise, laying down as much as possible (which was facilitated by the long Labor Day weekend), and still, nothing. Another however many thousand down the drain, and several more next week when he wants to do a second one. Why they would even consider a second one after I've now had 3 in 5 years that didn't work, I have no idea. Of course, now that I've had the first one and FINALLY met my damn insurance deductible, I couldn't care less how many more I have. They give me a day off work, and I'll do just about anything for that these days...even having a big needle stuck in my back! My only fear now is that if the pain continues and I really do have to have surgery, the idea of the time I'd need off it turns out to need a fusion is frightening. I wouldn't be able to drive for weeks, and would then would still have several weeks in which I couldn't work. God only knows what the idiots I work for would do with that...probably fire me. Or at a minimum not pay me. And my mom would have to be here forever, which would not be good either. She's threatening to bring both cats and the dog! No fucking way! I'd rather just live with the pain! So I guess I really need to hope that the 2nd injection really works some magic, or god only knows what will become of me!

OK, something I guess I already knew got pounded home today. My coworker is NOT the person to talk with about starting my business. She literally berates me about not having already just jumped out and done it, while she herself has done nothing with the business she has already legally created and set up a website for...because of the same fears I have about starting mine! And mine is MUCH more complicated! So as of today I have decided not to even bring up anything about the business around her again. All she does is piss me off and want to throw it all right back in her face, which, if I did that, would ruin our friendship. So I am choosing to be the bigger person and just stop all discussions that might make me want to slap her.

FINALLY got some pain medicine last week...and it doesn't, so far, do shit. It's one that has to be titrated up 1o0mg at a time, and it's clearly going to take a lot more than I'm taking this week. Maybe next week's dose will make a dent. I hope!

New technology rant: I absolutely HATE when someone texts you, you text right back with a question, and then never hear from them again. WTF??? In the past week, every single member of my family has done it to me...and several of them were asking questions themselves! Makes me UNBELIEVABLY PISSED!!!!

Well, the meeting with my old boss got me nowhere. He can't hire me for at least a year and the interim job he was trying to get me has been filled. Also, my leg pain as increased in the two weeks since I've seen the surgeon and I am now trying to get an ESI scheduled NOW, to see if it will make any difference. If it doesn't, I realized that waiting till next year for surgery is probably a stupid decision, both financially and physically. As it is I still haven't met the $1000 deductible for this year (but would if I have the ESI), so why should I live in pain for 4 more months (which I really think I would -- this is not getting any better) and then have to start all over with the deductible next year with the surgery. Stupid all the way around. Plus, it just keeps me stuck here, depressed, which certainly isn't helping the situation. So I think the plan is changing. Basically, I am literally adding another part of my life to my "get off your ass" plan!

Finally saw the surgeon yesterday. Forgot how wonderful he is. He actually spoke to me like an intelligent human being...almost like another doctor. As I figured he would, though, he basically felt like I should wait it out awhile longer to see if the herniation -- yes, he confirmed it is a true herniation -- might heal itself since I haven't lost any motor function and can live with the pain I have so far. He suggested giving it until the end of the year, then having an ESI if things hadn't changed, and if that still didn't change it, consider another microdiscectomy. I was thrilled to hear that he thought he could still do another micro instead of a fusion, though he said that fusion techniques have improved a lot just in the last few years, so even if I needed to go that route, it would not be as limiting as it used to be. So now it's just a matter of sucking it up and waiting it out and seeing what happens so I can determine how to handle it in terms of finding a new job. I have a meeting set with my old boss next week to talk about all that, so hopefully he'll have something positive to say that will give me some incentive to either hold out or go ahead and make a leap now, even if it's a little risky. We'll see.

Had the BEST time at my friend's annual wine party this past weekend. Drank just enough to have fun, but not be hungover the next morning. Worked the room and talked to all kinds of people I haven't talked to in the past. Just had a totally great time. Then spent all yesterday letting myself be a complete sloth, which was awesome too. The good mood carried into today, when my friend and I had a late lunch out (salad! to make up for the evil from the party) and rehashed the party, which was a lot of fun. It's been a while since I've been in this good a mood for several days in a row...I like it! Need to find a way to keep it up! Clearly it involves adding more people and socializing to my life...time to start really doing that!

Back from vacation, which generally went well in my opinion, despite the tragic death of one of my brother's friends from cancer while we were there. Mom did well on her meds and there was no WWIII between my sister and her husband. And while I ate basically whatever I wanted and gained 7 pounds between the time I left and this past Monday, I only missed one day of working out while I was there, and I have already dropped the 7 pounds in the 5 days I've been back, so I am thrilled with myself on that score. I also had very little leg pain during the trip...primarily because I spent almost all of my time standing or lying down. Of course, it all returned as soon as I got back in the car to drive home on Saturday and came to work on Monday. And as my piece of shit Humana policy has turned down the pain medication the doctor wanted to put me on, I am still waiting for him to get me a substitute drug to help me deal with the pain of sitting. I also finally see the surgeon next week to see what he thinks of the whole situation. At this point, I am actually hoping he could do another microdiscectomy to cure it, because it really has not improved at all at this point, and if the only other option is pain medication for god knows how long, I'll suck it up and pay for the surgery. The cupcake dream is pretty much dead at this point anyway after paying for the new transmission, my vacation, and my MRI, so the rest of my savings might as well go to getting me out of pain so I can at least look for another job. It might not be my dream job, but anything would be better than idiot lawyers.

It's official. I've become my mother. And it's BECAUSE of my mother. We had another weekend of a 7am Saturday phone call from my sister, though this time telling me that my mother was having horrible pain in her left shoulder and arm and was afraid she was having a heart attack. They called an ambulance and while it was quickly determined that it probably wasn't cardiac, she continued to have horrible pain and nausea, etc. all weekend until they determined it was probably a pinched nerve and got her on the proper muscle relaxer, which, thank god, helped. She is seeing her ortho today and will hopefully get a trigger point injection and enough meds to keep her OK through next week's vacation. But in the meantime, I am a complete mess. Even knowing her problem was just muscular or a nerve problem in her neck (welcome to my world!), I was an anxious mess for no reason all reason....just like she used to be when she was married to my father and he got any sort of illness, even just a basic cold. Plus, of course, I'm afraid that I'll be the one stuck ministering to her throughout our trip next week if she's still having problems, even though I'm the other person in the family having physical problems myself right now. Gah! I hate the aging process...for everyone!

OK, it's now a week after the MRI and I still haven't heard from my GP. I had to call yesterday and leave a message for him to call me about the results, which of course he managed to do at 5pm, exactly when I was picking my car from the dealership and didn't even hear the phone ring. He said he's try me again this morning, but it's now 1:15pm and I've heard nothing. Obviously, if I don't hear from him today, it will be next Wednesday before he'll be in the office again and by then I'll be ready to kill him! I'm about to go ahead and just make an appointment with the surgeon without even waiting to talk to the GP. The waiting is just ridiculous and it's probably where I'm going to end up no matter what.

Had a horrible weekend that continued right into today. It started off OK Friday night with getting the MRI done finally. But Saturday turned into a nightmare with 7 hours spent at the car dealership and being told I may need a new $4500 transmission. Then on Sunday, my mother and sister, who are in Pennsylvania, emailed me a photo to show me that my grandmother's old house, that I adored, had been torn down and turned into a McMansion. I literally cried. Then I went and picked up my MRI report today and it's so technically written, it's almost impossible to tell what it says. Though it definitely mentions displacement of the S1 nerve by a "protrusion", it doesn't seem to be as bad as last time. So I have no idea what the doctors will do with that. I am currently waiting on my GI to call or email me about it, but if he doesn't today, I won't be able to talk to him until Wednesday as tomorrow is his day off. Frustrating. And getting more painful daily. Another day of wanting a whole new life.

Yowza. The leg is probably the worst it's ever been today. Even sitting hurts. But for some reason I feel like I need to tough it out until the MRI on Friday before asking if I can take something....anything! Tylenol even!....for the pain. Makes me unsure if I really do want a piriformis syndrome diagnosis....maybe a fusion would actually be an easier, quicker answer. Both options suck.

Am also crazy bored today. I definitely should have called in sick. Nothing is going on and I can't stand sitting here all day doing random filing just to give me something to do and try not to think about the pain in my leg. I also came to the realization today that if I didn't get up and actually go talk to people, I could literally sit here alone all day without speaking to anyone in the office except to say good morning and good night to the receptionist. It's gotten to the point now where my coworker and I rarely have lunch together any more as she always has some errand to run, etc. so I literally spend my entire day alone. I hate it. I really need a more public job.

On the one positive front in my life right now, the weight loss project is going pretty well. I lost 3 pounds last week. If I could lose 7 more before the beach, I would reach the first goal I set on WW when I joined. And I think I would definitely look better in my bathing suits. Sadly, I am the only woman in my family who will not be needing to buy a new suit this year because all her old ones are too small, but I'm trying to ignore that and concentrate on just being comfortable in my old ones.

I'm also really looking forward to the beach because, with the LeBlancs coming too this year, there should be all kinds of extra options of people to do things with, talk to, etc. Which should definitely help buffer some of our own family drama. Four more weeks....can I make it without killing any lawyers, amputating my own leg or starving to death? We'll see!

Finally, a positive appointment with the doctor. Even though he fully neuro tested me and found me (just like the therapist did) to be completely intact, he has decided that the MRI is now needed to try and explain this worsening pain. Of course, if it turns out to be negative, we might still have no real explanation, but at least we'll know it's not disc related and we both think that will help me mentally destress at least a little and possibly improve things by lowering what is clearly becoming a big component to the situation -- my constant worrying about it, which certainly doesn't help with an overtight muscle situation. So I have the test next Friday and should get results early the week after. And interestingly, no matter what the test shows, he decided it was probably best to avoid PT for awhile, as he now thinks it's possible that it's making me worse. (Something I'd thought ever since 2006, but never voiced to him until agreeing with him yesterday.) And if there is anything new on the MRI, even if it's minor, he thinks it might be worth talking to the surgeon about whether he thinks epidurals would help or not, and to get his take on surgical possibilities. But he also stressed taking one step at a time and trying to calm myself down about it as much as possible until the test.

Also, my cholesterol levels had gone back down to almost normal, so he is no longer worried about that and won't be putting me on a statin. Plus, I'd lost 8 pounds since I saw him 3 weeks ago, so he was really happy about that and gave me the whole "let's keep it up and get off the BP meds too" pep talk....not that I needed it. I'm so excited to be at the weight I'm at right now, I think don't think I'll have too much problem staying motivated for awhile....particularly since I joined Weight Watchers online last week (another accountability program for me to keep me in line!) and have the beach coming up in July.

So today, even though my leg pain is still pretty bad, at least my attitude is better! So much better, in fact, that I actually emailed a guy off of Match this morning! A musician even, god save me! Will update if he actually writes back.

Now the big decision.....do I treat myself to a brownie at lunch like I've been promising myself for the last two weeks, or forge ahead with my recent eating perfection? Hmmmm....

Today is come to Jesus day with my doctor. Yesterday was the same with my physical therapist and he completely agrees that what we're doing now just isn't working and that we need some diagnostics done. He also recommended trying the ESIs again, which I suppose I would be willing to do at this point, just due to the pain I'm in. And if by some chance an MRI doesn't show any new herniations, they are really my only other option at this point. Which is pretty damn scary since they didn't work last time at all. I can't imagine what I'll do it the MRI is clean and the injections don't work. What else is there?? Pain for the rest of my life? There are certainly plenty of people out there living like that. I just can't imagine being one of them.

A week later and the pain's still the same. The therapist is getting on board about the MRI, but I literally cried all the way home from the appointment today just from the sheer exhaustion of going through all of this again, and the hold it puts on so much of my life.

Also feeling really lonely right now. Specifically for a man in my life, and it's been FOREVER since I've felt that. I think talking to my ex a week or two ago triggered it....not a longing for him at all, just a longing for having someone to love and to love me back. Very simple.

So tonight I am sad that my life is once again stuck at a standstill due to my health....and problems I have little to no control over...and no one I really get any satisfaction or comfort from talking to about it all. And while I know logically it's far from true, it just seems like everyone else in the world seems to have at least one part of their lives working for them, while I have none. A bad day for the happiness project.

My back pain has gotten much worse in the last week or so, even more so than the flare I thought I'd been having since my PT visit 2 weeks back. Saw the therapist today and told him, and thankfully he seemed to take it more seriously than the doctor. I have 2 more appts with him before I see the doctor again and he says that if things aren't markedly improved by then, he will talk to the doctor about "moving forward".... which I hope at least means an MRI. Five months of this up and down crap is long enough. I need some answers...and some real relief.

Out of nowhere, spent 4 hours on the phone with my ex-fiance last night having an amazingly honest talk about a lot of the shit that's gone on with us over the past several years...particularly my reticence to talk to him at all in fear that every time I've done it in the past, it's opened the door to all kinds of ridiculous crap from him -- calls in the middle of the night, etc. There is still a tiny bit of fear that that may happen again now, but I'm hopeful that it won't, as I was very clear on how much I hated that and why. Also, I learned that he has a live in girlfriend who was actually there for most our conversation, which made me feel less like this could turn into yet another phone stalking incident. And he sent me a very nice, insightful email about the conversation this morning that eased my fears on that a bit more as well. (And also left me crying...but basically tears of relief, which is good, except that I'm at work.) Anyway, it was a really good conversation, and while we were talking we also collaborated to find an email address for an old friend of ours who we were worried had been affected by the recent Missouri tornadoes and he sent her an email from both of us to make sure she was OK. (And she is.)

The only bad part -- part of my pleasure in the conversation was that it finally gave me an excuse to check off a category on irunurun that I haven't checked off in weeks -- renewing contacts. How pathetic am I that I was actually excited to do that? Loser.

And once again, all it takes is one email from my doctor to cut me off at the knees. My lab results came back, and not only was my blood sugar slightly high again, but my cholesterol was the highest its ever been by far. And I have absolutely no reason why. With the exception of my two weekends in Columbus, I have been eating very, very well, and excersizing more regularly than ever. It is so fucking unfair it is literally making me cry. He now wants to put me on a cholesterol drug, which pisses me off just at the thought of having to take yet MORE pills daily, as well as pay for them. This is getting ridiculous. And short of literally starving myself and killing myself on the treadmill (which I literally would considering how badly my back and leg hurt right now), I have no idea what to do to fix this. Every single fucking time I feel like I'm getting into some sort of a more balance head space with my life, my weight, my health, etc., something healthwise comes up and kills it.

Believe it or not, I found my happiness again on Saturday! Friday still sucked, as my Perry appointment was about as bland an appointment as I've ever had. He seemed to have no interest in doing anything new to help my back problem, and I didn't have the energy to get into it with him. But since, for some weird reason, he didn't want to see me again until August, I gave myself the night off from exercise and being "good" about anything, even though I wasn't really "bad" about anything that night either. And by Saturday morning, knowing that I had the new AC coming that day, I woke up in a much better mood. And since they actually came and got it done at a reasonable hour, I was able to run around afterwards and do all my errands, which I didn't think I was going to get to do. And as it was a beautiful day, it was actually fun. Then, on Sunday, I spontaneously agreed to Sara's invitation to go to the pool with her and the kids and had an absolutely wonderful afternoon and evening with them. And even today, when my leg is probably the worst it's been in weeks, I have still managed to retain my good mood.

So much of it is people....any people almost! On Saturday, I had the AC guys to joke with for a bit; I talked to my new neighbor over the fence for a few minutes; I ran into my hairdresser in the grocery; and then, obviously, on Sunday, I had Sara and Eric and the kids. People, and time outside...I think those are two biggies for me. And this weekend I got a lot of both. So now, how to find a new job that combines both?

Damnit, I've lost my "happiness". Since yesterday I have felt mean, pissed, frustrated and sad. Not quite sure why it started yesterday, though I do know what it's about. I'm back to a place where I feel like I have no control over anything in my life. Everything in my house if falling apart and I can't get anyone to do anything about any of it. I spend each day at work preparing things that the lawyers either ignore, cancel or forget about, even when these things are supposedly very important to them. My back and leg problem doesn't seem to be really getting any better -- even though I have good days, I still have so many bad days that it really is reminding me of last time and I'm thinking we're going to end up with the same result, just after more time and money have been wasted. And now the one thing I was feeling a tiny bit of control over, getting back to losing weight, has been sidelined by Dr. Perry, who called today to move my physical from next month (by which point I was on target to have lost 10 pounds since I last saw him) to this Friday, by which point I will be exactly where I was when he last saw me since I've had to spend the last week working off the two weekends in Columbus. So I'm doomed to the lecture yet again, even though I'm actually back on track. My only positive thought from all of this is that at least the physical will be done when I'm already in a bad frame of mind, so this time he won't be ruining a good one, like he has done to me several times, which is devastating. I just hope that by this time next week, Perry will be in the past (and not in the near future for awhile), I'll have AC and heat, and maybe even a working cable box in my bedroom. And maybe even a LWL meeting to look forward to. Please, please, please!

Years ago I learned that the best way to enjoy visits with my family is to go into them with very low expectations. And the theory continues to prove itself. I spent the last two weekends in Columbus -- the first for my brother and sister-in-law's annual crawfish boil and the second for my nephew's first communion. And while you would think that the crawfish boil would be a no brainer for fun, it hasn't always been for one reason or another. But this year I had an absolutely amazing time! Got just drunk enough to really enjoy running around talking to everyone, allow some guy to draw a cupcake tatoo on my neck, and not even mind getting sick before I went to bed. Then this past weekend, I truly enjoyed the whole group of family who came to the communion -- my mom, my sister-in-law's sister (who I don't always enjoy), and her aunt, who I'd met only one or twice but never spent any time with. As with the boil, I brought cupcakes (at my sister-in-law's request), and her sister and aunt went just wild over the idea of my opening my own shop. It's practically all we talked about all weekend. Then yesterday was Mother's Day, the first I'd actually spent with my mom in years, which was nice. And the best part about both weekends was that I was really conscious of enjoying them AS they were happening, which is rare for me. So I guess my effort to "be present" is actually working, which is great. I've been making a true effort to work on that, and these two weekends it happened without me even really having to think about it. Very cool. Anyway, after all that's gone on in the past three or four weeks, I feel like I could get in bed and sleep for a week, but it's all been totally worth it.

Only two comments for today:

1) It's kind of sad how little I missed my coworker who was on vacation this week. I missed having her here to share the angst of the bakery decision, but other than that, almost not at all. In fact, not having her constant negativity helped me have a really calm, happy workweek for the most part, plus get in a lot of good walking at lunch.

2) The hour between 2pm and 3pm is the longest fucking hour of the workday, every single day. I HATE it.

And now, two days later, the cupcake shop dream is toast. Unfortunately, the financials were not good and there was no way I could have made them better quickly enough to not risk my house. Everyone's advise was to pass, which I did. But while I'm disappointed, I have to say I learned a hell of a lot in the one week time period in which all of this went down. The most important of it all is that I already have a small team of support people that will definitely still be there the next time an opportunity arises and that is an amazing feeling, considering how unsupported I've felt in general the last several years. And now that I have this wonderful new group of women entrepreneurs to share with and learn from, I'm sure a new opportunity will turn up. And it may end up being something entirely different from a bakery! Who knows! But I'm excited to find out!

Wow, SOOOO much has happened since my last post!

First, the cupcake shop dream is progressing, but very slowly, which I guess for my sanity is good. My old boss and I met with the manager of the shop last week, and she told us as much as she could about how things ran, but didn't have much info on things like the age of the equipment, the lease, or the financials. She was, however, a very bright girl with a lot of great ideas for the shop that the owner never did anything about. And unfortunately, she's already take a manager job at a new shop opening in May, though she did seem willing to train me in as much as she knew. The rest of the staff of four all have new jobs also, though she said none of them were wonderful anyway, so that's probably for the best. Since then, I emailed the owner asking her for the financial info, and she emailed back yesterday asking for more personal information about me before she would send them. Not quite sure why she cares at this point...if I have the money, that's all she really should be concerned with.

And actually, having the money is probably the biggest surprise of this post -- I called my dad Thursday after the meeting with the manager and told him about it all and, unbelievably, he offered to give me the entire amount right away! I hadn't even asked him for a penny yet, and certainly was not going to ask him for more than half the amount, if that! I was shocked! But he was really excited about the prospect of me doing this and has since sent me a really nice email about how he thinks that, even if this particular opportunity doesn't work out, that I should definitely keep looking for another one, which again, shocked me. But wow was it nice to have someone else besides Brad being supportive!

Anyway, as of today, I'm waiting to hear from Brad about the draft responses I wrote to the owner before I send them, to make sure I'm not saying anything that could hurt me. Once I send them, hopefully the owner will get me everything I need for Brad's partner to take a look at them and tell me whether this is worth doing or not, and if it is, then I'll move on getting an SBA loan for everything else. I'm hoping that if it does look like a go, I can find a way to force the closing to be AFTER my beach trip in July, because I think by then I'll really need a vacation.

The other big news: my first meeting with the East Cobb group of Ladies Who Launch. Absolutely amazing. Eight women who had never met me, instantly interested in me and my project, and instantly supportive. Joining this group may be the best thing I've ever done.

So it's been a very positive last few days. And while I've been incredibly busy, it's felt wonderful. Productive. And that's certainly a feeling I've had in forever! And while of course I have some anxiety over the fact that there is a lot to doing all this that I'm literally flying by the seat of my pants on, I feel like I've now got sources of support I can go to for help, and that is absolutely huge for me. And even if this particular plan falls through, I now have several sources for new ideas for new plans! And it all happened in one week! How fucking cool is that??

I've spent the last 24 hours losing my mind about this potential business. Thank God, the Universe, Allah, whoever, for my old boss -- he is my absolute savior in this already! Even if it turns to nothing, he was instantly there to support me -- automatically arranging breakfast this morning and volunteering to go with me to meet the manager tomorrow and check the place out and ask questions. Without him I would be a quivering puddle of fear, anxiety and helplessness!

As for the situation, I emailed a few times with the owner last night. She has already moved out of state, so clearly she's out, but she seemed nice and hopefully reasonable. And speaking withe the manager/baker today to make the appointment tomorrow, she too sounded smart and reasonable. Which is really all I can ask to start with at this point.

Wow. Just wow. There is a very real possibility that I could be the owner and operator of my own cupcake shop in just a few months. Unfuckingbelievable.

Holy shit!!! Just found out that the little cupcake shop not far from my house is for sale. And for a reportedly reasonable price. Immediately emailed the owner about setting up a meeting, as well as emailing my former boss for advice on how to handle this. Have heard back from neither and am about to stroke out!!!

Finally have the AC and cable fixed, but somehow my stress from that doesn't seem to have gone away. I can't seem to find my way back to happy....or even faking happy. I think part of it is because I am forcing myself to get out of my comfort zone and really start dealing with the cupcake dream again, and it's been, once again, disheartening. I met with the small business loans woman at my bank Saturday and she basically said my only option was an SBA loan that would probably be dicey due to my lack of business experience. And while she gave me a contact at the bank to call about it, I know that I'm back at that Catch 22 where I will need to give him the business plan from the company and their facts and figures in order to know whether I could qualify for a loan, but the company doesn't even want to meet with me until I can tell them I qualify for a loan. I know from both reading other entrepreneurs' blogs etc. that I just need to keep working at it through all the "no's" until I finally get a "yes", but some days that just seems like such an exhausting task.

I am, however, proud of myself for pushing myself to join a local chapter of a national organization of women small business owners who I'm hoping will be able to give me some real world advice and possibly even mentor me through the process. I registered to go to my first "event" Thursday night, though right now I'm the only one registered, so I hope they don't cancel it! Even if it's just the event coordinator and me, I'd love to be able to sit down with SOMEONE - ANYONE -- who's actually done it and is willing to share information about it, and a one on one with her might actually be better than a whole group thing. So we'll see. Also, I have a new member phone call set up with the Atlanta director of the group for next week, so I'll have half an hour to hear more about the group and all it does. All of which is good, but is still stressing me out. I don't think it would be quite as bad if I didn't have so many other things going on over the next three weeks -- doctors' appointments, PT, birthday party for the twins, two weekends in a row out of town at my brother's. For someone who usually does nothing but work, workout, and lie on the couch, this is stressful. (And pathetic, yes, I know.) But since one of the major things I keep saying that is making me unhappy is boredom and a lack of people in my life, if I can make myself do all these things, I might just be on the road to fixing some of that.

Finally had a meeting with the small business loans rep at my smaller bank. The bank itself doesn't do startup loans even for franchises. She basically handed me an SBA packet and said "good luck." And of course the SBA packet requires all the minute projections for the business that I would have no idea how to get at this point. I'm going to call the guy whose name she gave me about it, but if he doesn't have more patience and guidance than this woman and every single other person I've talked to about this, I literally may have to give up on the ownership route and consider real jobs. Boo. Also spending my second Saturday in a row waiting for service people to fix things that should have been fixed last week. Pissed.

I really am beginning to think I'm bipolar, because my moods are really weird lately. I had a complete clusterfuck of a weekend -- had new cable system installed, which was a 6 hour process and a complete nightmare, as such things always are, plus my AC seems to be dying a slow death as of Saturday, plus my home alarm is still non-functional, plus my kitchen overhead light is also still non-functional. All those plus finishing my happiness book had me extremely depressed again yesterday and again this morning. Then at lunch I started thinking about how stupid it was to be so incredibly stressed out about such non-life-threatening things and I managed to give myself the "shit happens, suck it up and walk it off" speech, so now I'm feeling better. I'm still somewhat worried about the money it may take to fix all these problems, but right now I'm OK with my "it is, what it is" attitude, so I hope it lasts!

Feeling scared today -- the back and leg have been doing OK the past two days now, and I have PT again today. After four days of intense pain following last time's session, I'm not looking forward to tonight's aftermath, even if it is somehow actually helping me long term.

Thinking about my life on the way to work this morning (which was beautiful and should have been incredibly inspiring, if only I felt like I had something concrete to do with the inspiration), and thought, once again, how completely boring my life is. And while lately I've been able to make it feel somewhat better by checking off my little "action accomplishments" towards health and weight loss, it frustrates me incredibly how boring the pattern of those accomplishments is and now void of new experiences it is. And it seems like every little taste of "oh! a new person or experience possibility" I've gotten lately turns into nothing. The Match guy. The women's group I joined on the internet only to find that they really aren't as active as they make themselves out to be and only seem to have meetings on weekday midmornings in far flung places that make it impossible for me to attend. I know I need to make more effort myself on this, but it's hard when I feel like I have to keep to a pretty strict schedule to keep my work and health balance under control, leaving little time and mental energy to be the actual instigator on new people and experiences. I'm almost to the point of joining Facebook (something I said I would never do!) just to see if it would lead to any positive connections. (As opposed to just 700 emails from people like Michael and Tiffany and other people I have no desire to hear from.) I guess I just wish one - just one! - of my little half-ass efforts would turn into something real that would give me the motivation to do something bigger.

Ok, in the spirit of my new attitude, I am updating my earlier post to report that my leg is feeling much better this afternoon, basically since I took a 10 minute walk at lunch and did my PT stretches when I came back. (Also, I'm sure the pain patch began kicking in, but maybe not, since it certainly didn't seem to last Monday.) Anyway, I'm officially calling this a gratitude post -- I am extremely grateful for less pain.

Damnit! I completely jinxed myself with yesterday's post. Woke up today with leg pain even worse than last Monday's! WTF??? Trying my damndest to ignore it as much as possible and keep up yesterday's mood, but so far I'm not doing very well.

It took some work, but I managed to get my better attitude back. Out of nowhere on Tuesday my back and leg were MUCH better and stayed that way all week. So in keeping with what I'm learning from my happiness book and irunurun, I made a very conscious effort to do things that I knew would keep my mood better --- walking at lunch, eating better, sending some positive emails to some men on Match who I knew wouldn't be interested in me, but still would appreciate compliments on their well written profiles (a rarity!), even doing little bits of cleaning throughout the week towards having the cable/internet guy come next week and not being overcome by dust and cat hair. (In fact, I actually just spent the last few hours doing some serious kitchen cleaning - some things probably hadn't been touched since I've lived here!) And while doing it, I kept my Itunes as loud as I would go and sang along with every song. Who knew cleaning could actually be fun?? And now I feel like I've earned some time on the bed with my book and the cats in the sun, which REALLY feels good. I think the lesson I'm learning is that when you're seriously depressed like I am, you really have to take baby steps in getting out of it...but it can be done.

Just how interrelated are emotional pain and physical pain? I've always known there was a connection, but the past few days are really making me wonder. After the incident with the Match guy last week, I tried hard on Friday to get over it and I thought it was working as my mood was generally bettter that day. But then on Saturday I was back to the point of being so depressed I couldn't get out of bed. And my back and my leg were KILLING me. Of course it didn't help that my sister called and told me about a friend of ours who is even more depressed and probably somewhat suicidal. So much of what he's going through are things I know a lot about, but while I told her I would love to talk to him if he's willing to, I sort of think he won't. And because he's 15 years younger than me, we don't have the kind of relationship where I can reach out to him (without an intervenor like my sister who is very close to him) without it being somewhat weird, which would probably push him farther away. In addition to that, my sister also emailed me pictures of three beautiful size 10 dresses she's wearing to a wedding next week. And while she has worked her ass off (literally) to get to that size and the ability to wear clothes like that, and I am truly very proud of her for it, it definitely made me feel even more like a fat cow. Which I know I shouldn't, because even though I haven't lost any weight lately, I am still diligently making efforts to walk as much as possible and get back to my healthy eating program. But for whatever reason, it did. Which of course also made me slide back into the unhealthy thought patterns of "will this leg pain really ever go away?", "am I ever going to find someone to share my life with?", "am I going to be stuck in this miserable job forever?" and "why can't I just find a way to kick myself in the ass and find the motivation to change all of this?" Needless to say it was a pretty miserable weekend. And so far today isn't much better. I've been attempting to look up women's groups in my area that I could join, but almost all of them have meetings at completely ridiculous times -- "Thursdays at 10am" -- who the hell can attend those except stay at home moms and ladies who lunch? Again, depressing. I so, so, so want my attitude from the week before last back....but of course have no idea how to get it.

Still working my more positive attitude, though having a somewhat harder time with it today. Out of nowhere two days ago I got an email from a guy on Match who was actually someone I was very interested in writing back, though I can honestly say that my first impression of him was that he was too good looking to really be looking for someone like me. And while that sounds like I have no self esteem whatsoever, it's not true. What I mean is that he was a great looking guy who clearly did not have to pursue heavy women unless he really wanted to. And I've learned from experience (just the truth here, people) that most men, even those who are heavy themselves, still prefer thin women. It is what it is. Anyway, I took a shot and wrote him back and we ended up having a great 3 hour phone conversation that night, including plans to email each other yesterday to figure out an evening next week when we could meet in person for a drink. When I hadn't heard from him by after lunch, I sent him a quick message telling him I was pretty open next week and to just let me know what worked for him. No reply at all yesterday. And while I cut him some slack because yesterday was his son's birthday, I definitely got a weird vibe from the complete lack of response...particularly since I saw he was on Match all day yesterday. Just in terms of the "he's just not that into you" theory, if he was really interested, he's have at least have acknowledged the email, even if he didn't have an answer to the question yet.

Anyway, this morning he finally sent an email saying that a project has come up at work that is going to require him to work long hours next week, so we'll just have to play it by ear about getting together. (This from a man who on Tuesday said he was always out of work by 5pm and could totally work around my schedule.) The email also made no mention of speaking or even emailing again between now and then, so I'm pretty sure that's the last I'll hear from him. It was almost textbook "he's just not that into you."

So of course I'm bummed about it and wondering what it was that changed his mind....was it me? did he get a response from someone else he decided he'd rather pursue? what? And of course I'm now going through my "goddamnit, why don't I just do what I have to do and lose the fucking weight, so that I can at least know that that is not an issue and feel confident enough to contact guys myself" versus the "goddamnit, why can't I ever find any men who really can see past the weight and like me for me --- particularly when we've had great conversations and I can tell they actually DO like me". Of course, losing the weight needs to get done no matter what, particularly for my health, but I hate that this is happening during a time when I was really having no thoughts about men at all, just working on all the other aspects of my life and getting happier in general....and now the whole men and weight thing is back in my head. I so, so, so don't want to lose my better mood of late and I so, so, so wish I had someone I could really talk to about it, but I don't. In fact, I am currently avoiding telling my coworker about it (and she's already asked once today if I'd heard from him yet - I said no), because she will literally get mad at me for "assuming" he's blowing me off. Seriuosly, she will YELL at me for having a bad attitude about it, even though she knows it's happened to me numerous times before. And of course, she herself is a beautiful thin girl who literally stops traffic occasionally, so she has no concept at all of where I'm coming from. In fact, she's always talking about how we need to go out together so I can meet some men...yeah right, because I'll just be reeling them in sitting next to a beautiful, skinny, ultra-fashionable black girl. It actually pisses me off whenever she suggests it. Luckily she's married with a kid and lives on the complete other side of town, so the odds of it happening are rare.

Anyway, I'm trying to get as much of the initial emotion of it all out by writing about it here so that it won't ruin my whole day or dampen my attitude for long. Then I'm hoping to just add it to the "get the weight off and get healthy and happy" motivation. In fact, I think I'm going to go read "The Happiness Blog" right now and update my irunurun account for yesterday to try and keep me on track. Fuck stupid men! There's more to life!

OK, I just finished that last post, then went back and read the (practically suicidal) post prior to it. Now I'm starting to wonder if I'm bipolar! Actually, I don't think so. Well, maybe a little. But I have really been thinking about the whole lack of support issue lately and I've realized it really probably isn't going to change much -- it's just who those people are. However, I don't have to feel like because of that, I have to do everything alone. I just need to find new support people. (It would be great to find some in similar life situations as I'm in. Single, smart women, no kids, looking to do new things. Not quite sure how to find them yet, but I'm hoping to keep my positive mood going long enough to brainstorm some ideas on it and find some!) I've had several positive interactions with really random people lately (an AT&T cable guy, for one; a random woman in the office parking lot, for another) that have sort of encouraged me to make more personal effort to interact more with new people (in any context!) on a daily basis. Being stuck in an office with the same five negative people REQUIRES some other contacts to be bearable and keep up a decent attitude. So I'm going to add that to my chart of weekly things to do....it's gotta get me somewhere!

Hold on to your hats...I may have actually managed to get a tiny bit of a new and better attitude. And amazingly, I think it came as a result of not being able to have the MRI for my back. For some reason, I actually ended up (after a day or two of being pissed, of course) feeling relieved, which I never would have expected. It's like some weird switch in my head flipped to an attitude of "well, with no MRI, I just have to trust the doctors that it will get better" and "it is what is, just suck it up and work on getting it better." I've also somehow made the decision to literally not think about it as much as possible -- to live like I don't have any pain (as much as I can without doing anything stupid like lifting things I shouldn't lift, etc.). And somehow that shift in attitude has made be somewhat less guarded physically, which I think really is helping my back relax some. I'm also making an attempt to walk around more all day and do the PT exercises during the day, even at work. The leg pain is certainly still there, but I think I really might be turning a corner on it.

And with the injury less of a looming disaster in my head, I've been able to work more on forcing myself to look for ways to improve some of the other crap in my head. This past weekend I finally looked at the website for a work connection's new business idea which involves charting (and focusing on) daily things you can do to improve your life, instead of just focusing on the far off (and overwhelming) goals. I also went out and bought The Happiness Project, a book I'd looked at several times but never bought because I just wasn't ever ready to make any effort at listening to anyone else's ideas on how to make life better. Turns out the woman who wrote it, though very, very different from me in terms of her life situation, has some interesting insights into happiness and definitely some ideas I can put to use, especially if I combine them with the daily charting idea.

So for the past few days I've actually felt pretty positive about moving forward. Of course, it's helped that it's been a quiet week at work generally. Sadly, that factor could change at any minute. But I'm back to feeling like, even if it does, I am back on a path of finding a way out of here, even if it's not immediate. The back problem is not going to lock me into this job. There is light at the end of the tunnel! Halle-fucking-luyah!

None of the following is new informtion really. Just something I typed while killing time at work today and wanted to save somewhere to expound on/think about more later.

Seriously....how is it that I am where I am? Is it fear? Is it laziness? Is it lack of self-confidence? Is it apathy? Is it because I was never someone who had a concrete passion for anything specific and just ended up falling into things as they came, never having any true love or calling? It seems like for years I was fine just doing what I was doing, knowing it was never really going to progress much but not really caring. Liking a middleman kind of job. Hoping I’d meet the perfect guy and get married and have kids at some point, but making no huge effort to make sure any of that actually happened. Of course now, at mid-life, I look back on everything and think, "holy fuck, how did I waste all those years???" And while on paper my life could certainly be worse – I make enough money to support myself, I have a house and a car and a small amount of savings – every other aspect of it is making me completely miserable. Like already-taking-antidepressants-AND-valium-and-still-wanting-to-break-down-and-cry-myself-to-sleep-95%-of-the-time miserable. I’m overweight (with the beginnings of related health problems), I hate my job and pretty much everyone associated with it, my number of friends has dwindled to almost none over the past few years and I have made next to no effort to make new ones, and I have a family who offers no real support with regard to any of it. How is it I can be this miserable – and even TELL them that I am – and they all still literally say "oh, you’re fine, you’re the strong one, just go join a club or take a class and you’ll be fine" and then proceed to tell me about some trivial thing their cat or child did that day. It literally astounds me. Even my doctors minimize it when I try and talk about it. I can’t figure out if maybe I’m talking about it too much and no one wants to hear about it any more, or if I’m not talking about it enough for anyone to take seriously. Because when it’s all you yourself think about all day everyday, you feel like it’s got to be blatantly obvious to everyone else around you, but my own best friend – who herself is an actual shrink! – acted shocked a few weeks back when I tried to describe things to her. And while I know that one thing I do need is a real shrink of my own, the last one I had did nothing but listen to my stories and take my money, and with my money being currently funneled directly from my bank account to my physical therapist for my back problems, the idea of spending more of my savings on psychotherapy seems impossible right now. Also, I’d have to find one who could see me on late evenings or weekends only, because my bosses have recently announced that they feel like I’m missing too much work lately with my medical appointments, even though not one iota of work has gone undone because of them and they admit this.
So where am I going with all of this? The usual place. The one I’ve been going to in journals for years and years. Putting it all on paper so as to possibly find some sort of "ah-ha" moment to motivate me out of all this crap. It hasn’t really worked yet in 44 years, but for some reason I keep trying. (What’s that definition of insanity again??)
Of course I’m also putting it all out there yet again as a way to kill time at work after having some everything I could possibly do and now sit here in utter boredom. And typing this crap out feels like at least a slightly better use of my time than solitaire or web-surfing. Maybe it will at least kill time until I can go to lunch, which will give me at least a slight distraction from some of the crap. Though certainly not all of it, as my only lunchmate is a coworker who can talk of nothing but the details of how much this job sucks.....something I agree with but that certainly doesn’t help my state of mind.
But who knows. Maybe today at lunch I’ll meet a wonderful single man who also owns his own incredibly successful business that he needs help running and thinks I’d be perfect for. A girl can dream, right? Or is that just sad delusion?

More healthcare joy. Today Humana advised me they would not pay for a penny of the MRI I finally got the doctor to schedule because I have not met even $1 of my deductible. Apparently, not a single one of all the prescriptions, copays and physical therapy bills I have paid qualify. So the only way to get the test would be to pay the (minimum) of $725 myself. Which of course is impossible considering the $200 a pop I'm currently paying my physical therapist.

So now (after spending the whole day trying not to fall apart), I'm trying to convince myself that I just need to change my mindset to one of complete trust in my physical therapist and to just suck it up and walk it off in terms of the pain until he fixes it. Let's see how long THAT works!

On a completely different note: got a call from my best friend today mentioning returning the cupcake carrier I lent to her last week with the special birthday cupcakes I made for her oldest child to take to school. Not a word was said about the cupcakes themselves -- whether they were good, bad or indifferent (which I know the answer to myself -- I had one, they were awesome), or even a thank you. And while I'm generally not a person who requires any effusive thank you for such things, at least SOME acknowledgement might have been nice. WTF??

I've now been in physical therapy for three weeks. And while the therapist, who I love, seems to think he's seeing improvement, I'm just not sure. I definitely feel better for a few hours after treatment, but that is also the same period of time that the pain patch my doctor has me wearing is in full force. By the next morning (and 8 hours of no patch), I often feel like I'm back to square one. I told my therapist yesterday that even though I'd been feeling better the last two days (but by no means does that mean pain free), I still wanted to have an MRI to find out what's really going on. He was totally against it and says it wouldn't mean anything, that the treatment wouldn't change. Which is pretty much how it went five years ago, until my doctor finally decided I wasn't improving enough and was risking nerve damage if I didn't have surgery. That process took 5-6 months. 5-6 months I can't afford (both financially and emotionally) this time around. I see the doctor this afternoon and have the feeling that he is not going to want to go the MRI route just yet. But I'm going to have to have some sort of a financial come to Jesus with him if that's true, because I flat out don't have the money to keep paying $200 an hour for physical therapy. And if I have to stay trapped in this horrific job for the rest of the year because of this injury, I will definitely have a breakdown. (And if my mother ends up in the hospital again at any time while all this is going on, I just might jump off a cliff!) On th way home from PT last night I really tried to convince myself to change my mental attitude about the whole situation and to just treat it like the pain I had in my foot a year and a half ago, and the bursitis in my right hip last year: both hurt like hell for several weeks and really worried me, but both slowly got better and are now completely gone. But it's a hard attitude to have on something that you've already been through before and that DIDN'T go away...at least without surgery. Once again, my life feels completely outside of my control and is completely exhausting me. Can't I have just one thing happen to make it feel like there's light at the end of the tunnel??

And we're back to 2006. I saw the doctor Monday about my leg pain. He gave me a shot of Toradol, along with a five day followup pill prescription for it, and sent me to physical therapy. (Apparently the insurance won't pay for an MRI until I've had a month of conservative therapy, even with my history of the same pain.) I've now had five days of anti-inflammatory/pain killer and two PT visits, all to no change. I really, really, realy hope I'm wrong, but I feel like I need to state it now: I have reherniated.

Unfuckingbelievable. On top of everything else going on, it's now looking like I may have reherniated my back.

I've been having sciatic pain in my leg again for about a month, but it has been getting worse within the last week, and today it began hurting in exactly the same way it did before my surgery -- searing pain in my upper thigh upon standing, radiating down the leg.

I feel like yelling at God or the universe or whoever, "SERIOUSLY?!?!?"

And the hits just keep on coming.

Mom was hospitalized again last week, this time with two pulmonary embolisms (holy shit!) and acute pancreatitis brought on by the chemotherapy drug 6pm that her gastroenterologist had put her on after the prior hospitalization in December. While it took her clown posse of doctors severals days to get together and figure this out, they eventually did take her off the drug. Though now she will have to be on blood thinners for months to prevent further blood clots.

So my move home is looking more and more inevitable, though I still have no idea how I would be able to do it, given the fact that I am close to upside down in my mortgage and the foreclosed house next door to me hasn't even been looked at in months.

I did finally get to talk it out with my "pseudo-therapist" this weekend, which definitely helped get the situation off my chest, even if there were no easy answers found. I'm a little less angry about the whole situation today than I was last week. Still depressed and incredibly frustrated, but I guess it's going to have to be baby steps.

Two days after my last post my mother was admitted to the hospital again...this time for a complete intestinal blockage and possible surgery. She ended up avoiding surgery, but was told by her doctor that this was probably the beginning of a slide into more ongoing problems. They have upped her medications and have even added a chemotherapy drug (!!!) in an attempt to control her inflammation. Not good. Since this happened I have felt like there is going to be no way for me to avoid getting sucked into eventually moving back home to deal with this. Maybe not in the next year or two, but soon enough to where it does not make sense for me to invest every penny I have in starting a business here when I might possibly have to leave it. This has been an incredibly depressing situation. I feel like I have no control over my future, that will be completely determined by my mother's health. And while I've tried to get myself motivated to look at it as positively as possible and tried to start working on just finding another corporate job, it's been crushing to think about having to completely drop the option of starting a business.

This past weekend was the grand opening for the cupcake shop in my area that I had hoped would be mine. I couldn't bring myself to attend. My chest literally hurt the entire weekend thinking about it and I basically didn't even get out of bed yesterday, I was so depressed.

And the worst part of all of this? That I have no one to really talk to about it. Which of course, is one of my main problems in life right now -- such a ridiculously small social network. I know that changing this would make a difference in every aspect of my life, but being as depressed as I am makes it soooo hard to find the motivation to do something about it. It's a totally viscious circle, and have no idea how to break out of it right now.