Still working my more positive attitude, though having a somewhat harder time with it today. Out of nowhere two days ago I got an email from a guy on Match who was actually someone I was very interested in writing back, though I can honestly say that my first impression of him was that he was too good looking to really be looking for someone like me. And while that sounds like I have no self esteem whatsoever, it's not true. What I mean is that he was a great looking guy who clearly did not have to pursue heavy women unless he really wanted to. And I've learned from experience (just the truth here, people) that most men, even those who are heavy themselves, still prefer thin women. It is what it is. Anyway, I took a shot and wrote him back and we ended up having a great 3 hour phone conversation that night, including plans to email each other yesterday to figure out an evening next week when we could meet in person for a drink. When I hadn't heard from him by after lunch, I sent him a quick message telling him I was pretty open next week and to just let me know what worked for him. No reply at all yesterday. And while I cut him some slack because yesterday was his son's birthday, I definitely got a weird vibe from the complete lack of response...particularly since I saw he was on Match all day yesterday. Just in terms of the "he's just not that into you" theory, if he was really interested, he's have at least have acknowledged the email, even if he didn't have an answer to the question yet.

Anyway, this morning he finally sent an email saying that a project has come up at work that is going to require him to work long hours next week, so we'll just have to play it by ear about getting together. (This from a man who on Tuesday said he was always out of work by 5pm and could totally work around my schedule.) The email also made no mention of speaking or even emailing again between now and then, so I'm pretty sure that's the last I'll hear from him. It was almost textbook "he's just not that into you."

So of course I'm bummed about it and wondering what it was that changed his mind....was it me? did he get a response from someone else he decided he'd rather pursue? what? And of course I'm now going through my "goddamnit, why don't I just do what I have to do and lose the fucking weight, so that I can at least know that that is not an issue and feel confident enough to contact guys myself" versus the "goddamnit, why can't I ever find any men who really can see past the weight and like me for me --- particularly when we've had great conversations and I can tell they actually DO like me". Of course, losing the weight needs to get done no matter what, particularly for my health, but I hate that this is happening during a time when I was really having no thoughts about men at all, just working on all the other aspects of my life and getting happier in general....and now the whole men and weight thing is back in my head. I so, so, so don't want to lose my better mood of late and I so, so, so wish I had someone I could really talk to about it, but I don't. In fact, I am currently avoiding telling my coworker about it (and she's already asked once today if I'd heard from him yet - I said no), because she will literally get mad at me for "assuming" he's blowing me off. Seriuosly, she will YELL at me for having a bad attitude about it, even though she knows it's happened to me numerous times before. And of course, she herself is a beautiful thin girl who literally stops traffic occasionally, so she has no concept at all of where I'm coming from. In fact, she's always talking about how we need to go out together so I can meet some men...yeah right, because I'll just be reeling them in sitting next to a beautiful, skinny, ultra-fashionable black girl. It actually pisses me off whenever she suggests it. Luckily she's married with a kid and lives on the complete other side of town, so the odds of it happening are rare.

Anyway, I'm trying to get as much of the initial emotion of it all out by writing about it here so that it won't ruin my whole day or dampen my attitude for long. Then I'm hoping to just add it to the "get the weight off and get healthy and happy" motivation. In fact, I think I'm going to go read "The Happiness Blog" right now and update my irunurun account for yesterday to try and keep me on track. Fuck stupid men! There's more to life!