One more of my bizarro problems:  my ridiculous unhealthy (on my part) relationship with my doctor.  The issue:  I put WAY too much thought and stress into preparing for my appointments with him.  I know that it's due to the fact that I have so few people in my life (thereby giving the few people I do deal with undue influence on me), along with the fact that so much of my life has been focused on health related issues in the past few years, but I still can't stop myself from doing it.  I worry for weeks before each appointment about what he's going to say about my weight.  I plan for weeks exactly what I want to say to him about what's going on with me so that I can somehow elicit a response that doesn't chastise me for any weight gain and that doesn't necessitate me having to come back and see him any time soon.  The second part of that is literally just so that I can eat what I want for a week or so after each appointment.  Pathetic, I know, but 110% true.  It's so bad right now that I don't even want to tell him how I've recently reactivated my herniation, and how much pain it's causing me, because I don't want to have him tell me to come back in 6 weeks to evaluate it!  I would rather just suffer and be able to eat!

My food issues and depression issues are so huge now that I don't even feel like discussing them with him any more.  There have been times when I've felt like he heard me a little on these things, but certainly not every time, and not knowing how he's going to react to me each time makes me want to just go in, say as little as possible, and get out, just so he doesn't say anything to add to my depression.  Plus, I know he's not a shrink and, while he should be made aware of the fact that of my issues, he's not the one who should be altering his treatment of me to make me feel better about them.  He is genuinely entitled to be concerned about my weight medically, and therefore entitled to chastise me about it, as he knows I am capable of doing something about it.  But right now I spend way too much of my life planning serious dieting before my appointments, then big cheating sessions as soon as I'm out of his office.  I want soooo much to be able to just live my life, all year long, in a way that is normal and healthy, without all this obsession about his opinions.

I know this is a completely unhealthy way to relate to your doctor, but I can't seem to break out of it.  I try to tell myself to stop obsessing about it and being worried about what he thinks of me (as I have a huge case of "perfect patient" syndrome), because logically I know he doesn't think about me in any of the ways I imagine (meaning that I'm sure he thinks about all of his patients about the same - he's concerned with their health, but if they're generally doing OK, with no really major health problems, he's certainly not thinking of them much beyond their 20 minute appointments).  But I still fall into it every time.

I know I really need to find a therapist about all this.  And if it takes the rest of my savings account to see one, I should just suck it up and do it.  But I'm so torn about money right now....should I keep saving in the hopes of somehow, someday starting my bakery business, or should I spend it on a shrink?  First world problems, I know, but they are really tearing me apart right now.

The past month has been close to my most depressed ever.  The vacation was the usual family nightmare, to the point that I couldn't stand to speak to any of them for weeks afterward.  And since then I've sat at work watching the idiots I work for rake in money, while sharing absolutely none.  I have spent almost every minute I'm not at work in bed, either sleeping or voraciously reading in an effort to give myself some sort of alternate reality.  And the absolute worst part is having no one I can talk to about it.  Because basically I only speak to 3 people right now...my mother, my best friend from college, and my friend at work.  The idea of talking to my mother about it literally makes my skin crawl, as her suggestions are pathetic.  And I'm actually barely speaking to my work friend because all she can do is bitch about her own similar situation, but with no desire to talk about ways out of it.  So talking to her only makes me feel worse.  And while my friend from college is good to talk to, she has 3 kids and a crazy hectic life and no time.  Even therapy would frustrate me right now because I feel like I would need 3 hour sessions just to "un-frustrate" myself right now.   (Plus, of course, the fact that I can't even afford therapy right now.)

I feel like I live my life hating my job, worrying about my weight (which I am working on gaining all back, god damn it!), and trying to find a good book to escape into.  It's beyond pathetic.

I am feeling somewhat better today and am trying to work on a list of things I can do to change things, but the semi-good moods don't seem to last long lately.

Hell = the last two hours of the work day before you go on vacation, waiting to see if the lazy bastards you work for, who haven't given you anything to do all week, will descend on you at 4pm with a bunch of crap that doesn't even really need to be done, but that they will insist MUST go out today.  Reason #52,879 to hate this job!

It's hard to beat a day off in the middle of the week, when you have nothing pressing to do at home, and can lie around with two cats, reading a good book and watching it rain.

Oh my fucking god.  How the hell do I work in a law firm and not a single other soul here has any interest in the Supreme Court's decision about Obamacare today???  I sooooooooo need to get the fuck out of this worthless job!

Why is so impossible for anyone - and I mean ANYONE - I know to respond to my ideas for my life with "hey, that sounds great, what can I do to help?"  And by help, I don't even mean physically or financially...just listening and encouraging and thinking through things with me would be WONDERFUL.  But no one seems to be capable.  Which I just can't make my self understand, as that would be the first thing I would say to someone in the same position.

How about a small bit of gratitude for a change?  (Though I hope I don't jinx myself for saying any of this!)  Things I am currently grateful for:  my back seems to be doing better lately;  the return of True Blood; having a good book to look forward to reading every night.  The last two are silly and small, but  have actually done a lot to improve my mood.

Also, I am pretty proud of myself right now for having turned a really bad Saturday into a not so bad Sunday, and then a newly empowered Monday.  A multitude of botched events on Saturday had me feeling completely defeated by Saturday night...particularly fat, sweaty, anti-social, with no support from anyone and no willpower at all.  Somehow, however, I managed to realize on Sunday that that was just one day, and that I could turn it around if I really wanted to.  So I did.  I committed to going hardcore back onto Weight Watchers on Monday, and to concentrate on enjoying being healthy for the next five weeks.  I also decided that I will try my best not to stress about any of my usual things - job, friends, family, etc. until after my vacation.  Until then, I plan to work on sticking to WW, exercising every weekday, and looking forward to reading every night.  Keep it simple.  Of course, I'm only 2 1/2 days into this plan, but at least those two days have felt more positive than a lot of them last week!

Some days, looking at cupcake and bakery websites makes me so depressed I could literally cry.  As does reading the blogs of my favorite writers.  It seems that the rest of the world somehow has connections that enable them to do all the things I would love to do, but can't, for what now seems like an overwhelming number of reasons.

How did I get to a place where I am 45 years old, single, childless, with a job I hate, a dwindling list of friends, an empty bank account, and worst of all, no support at all for anything I dream of doing?  And how does every effort I make to change some of that...taking classes, joining groups, researching businesses...always seem to bring me to a dead end?  I generally feel like you make your own destiny, but  why the hell isn't any effort I make getting me anywhere??  And I don't even need to fix all of my issues!  Just one, any one, would be wonderful!  A man!  A new job!  Some money to start a business!  A new friend to do things with!  Any of that would work!  Is there something intrinsic about me that makes all of my efforts fail?  I don't feel like I give up easily.  But I do feel like I am pretty limited in doing a lot of things on my own, and I can never seem to find anyone who is interested enough in things I am interested in to join forces with.  So now I am definitely beginning to question my own personality.  Yes, I am clearly depressed, and feeling negative lately.  But I don't feel like I project that outwardly to other people.  In fact, I feel like, if anything, I work extra hard for people NOT to see those things, as I know they are not traits that attract others.  But am I somehow still coming off as some sort of miserable shrew?  And who do I ask?

Two truly fucked up things I've realized about myself lately.  1) Because I have no one to share the details of my life with, I end up talking way too much about myself in almost any situation.  It's like some compulsive need to have someone, anyone, understand me.  And I also spend a lot of time in conversations thinking of the next thing I'm going to say about me rather than listening to the other person.  Horrible.  And sad.  2) I frequently feel "younger", in an inadequate kind of way, to people who are married with children, just because I have neither.  Like because I don't have those life experiences, I am not as "worthy" somehow of their respect.  WTF is that??

I soooo need to get back into therapy.

Two things that really appeal to me, but that I just can't do:  becoming both a novelist and a runner.  My lack of creativity keeps me from writing and my bad back and knees keep me from running.  Would editing and walking be decent substitutions?

Bucket list/things I've done

In an effort to make myself feel like I've actually done a few things in my life, I've decided to make a list of the things a lot of people list on their Pinterest Bucket Lists that I have already done.  Hopefully returning to the list will make me feel better during times (like these!) where I feel like my life has been nothing but a slog through a horrible job and a boring life.

1.  Been in love
2.  Gotten engaged
3.  Had a candlelight
4.  Planned a wedding - trying on dresses, etc.
5.  Lived in Los Angeles
6.  Lived in New Orleans
7.  Traveled with a band
8.  Been to many Mardi Gras'
9.  Been to Italy
10.  Been to Scotland
11.  Been to Disneyland
12.  Been to Disneyworld
13.  Been to Seaworld in Florida, Texas and California
14.  Have had songs written about me
15.  Have bought my own house
16.  Been to the Grand Canyon
17.  Been to New York City
18.  Been to Central Park
19.  Been skiing in Colorado
20.  Been to Las Vegas
21.  Been to Reno
22.  Have danced en pointe
23.  Been to Washington DC
24.  Have  5 nieces and nephews and 3 godchildren
25.  Been to Mexico
26.  Been to summer day camp, where I learned:
  - to ride a horse
  - archery
27.  Took ice skating lessons
28.  Took piano lessons
29.  Took tap dance and ballet lessons
30.  Took tennis lessons
31.  Took swimming lessons
32.  Member of a wonderful sorority in college

And the cat situation continues.  He came home Friday, but managed to pull out several stitches Saturday, so we ended up back at the vet.  I am a nervous wreck today at work and have to go home at lunch to check on him.  Exhausting.

However, I did realize two positives in this nightmare:  1) it happened to the cat I can actually get a hold of and who will let me medicate him.  If this were the other one, the nightmare would have been exponentially worse.  2) thank God I got Uverse!  Having all my recorded shows watchable from any TV in the house SAVED me this weekend.

So there.  A tiny bit of actual bright side.  And even more amazing, gratitude for it from me.

We are now $7000+ into vet bills and I am basically numb to the whole situation.  He is having a second emergency surgery today.  I'm sure I'll probably be close to $8000 by the time it's all over...if it ever actually ends.  This is almost half of all the savings I have in the world.  But I can't even imagine putting him to sleep...particularly now.  And when and if he does come home, he will need to be physically restricted for 2 weeks, which will make being home miserable.  Crawling into bed won't even be a possible response now.

And hey, let's add to that last post: now I have a sick cat! I found him Wednesday hunched over in pain and found out he had a urinary obstruction that could have killed him. Five days and a $4000 vet bill later, he is doing better, thank god, but I am now keenly aware that things can always get worse! Damnit!

I am definitely clinically depressed. There is literally nothing I can think about that makes me happy. My job, no prospects for a new job, my lack of close friends, my ridiculous family, my weight, my lack of motivation in general, my financial situation...everything literally makes me just want to crawl into bed and sleep forever. The only thing that gives me any respite is reading. And even that adds to the depression most of the time as everything I read contains relationships I wish I had. But every time I try to think about motivating myself to get off my ass and change all of this, something inside of me just shuts down...and the bed calls. Miserable.

Other quick updates:

My old boss has advised me to forget about becoming his friend's personal assistant for now. The other guy is too disorganized to even make decisions about it. So it sounds like that may be for the best. Though it pisses me off, as it sounded so promising originally.

Am still considering doing it for others, though. And am now thinking about a paralegal consulting business for small firms -- helping them organize their work systems and hire and keep better staff.

Am also, however, still considering a cupcake franchise. Mom went to finally went to the Gigi's near her, and then couldn't stop talking about it. So she might actually support me now if I went that route.

We'll see.

Have determined I'm ceasing all contact with my ex after he wrote me one week that he'd hospitalized himself for suicidal thoughts and severe depression, then, a week later, tried to pull the "nah, I'm fine" crap he pulled 20 years ago. I don't play that game twice, you idiot.

The job is boring me to tears still.

Spring, however, is giving me some renewed diet and exercise motivation. That, and slowly going off the bad meds, I think. Though I'm still constantly hungry, I am better at keeping myself eating only healthy things for the most part. So we'll see there too.

OMG, I am sooooo tired of listening to the exact...same...complaints...every...single...day from both my coworker and my mother, who are, sadly, the two people I talk to most on a daily basis. My coworker's endless complaints about the same work-related things are making me almost completely avoid her and my mother's repeated anxiety-ridden complaints about her messy house are literally give ME an anxiety condition! I am now BEGGING my mother to get on a regular regimen of Xanax - or something! - before she puts us all in the hospital! It is horrible!

I realized this weekend that I am secretly...or not so secretly, really...a 13 year old girl. Friday night, on the way home from work, I HAD to go buy the second and third Hunger Games books because I knew I would be finishing the first one that night, and I HAD to be able to start the second one right away. On Saturday, I was forced away from the second book only by my absolutely required errands, luckily one of which was having my car serviced, so I could bring the book with me. However, as I was sitting in the Honda waiting room, I suddenly came to the realization that I was a 45 year old woman sitting there in a hot pink hoody and jeans, reading a hugely popular young adult book, occasionally checking my email on my hot pink iPhone. Ridiculous. I can hear every therapist I've ever gone to saying "let's talk about what is missing in your life to cause this..." Pathetic. But do I see myself doing anything differently any time soon? Nope! What does THAT say? And probably the absolute worst part: I am already DREADING finishing these 3 books because I know that I will be MASSIVELY depressed when they are over!

This week has been a complete pity party. I have felt depressed all week and have pretty much wallowed in it. Miserable at work, no energy, no motivation to work out (so I haven't, at all...bad!), hungry all the time, still stupid and blind from the drugs I am now starting to titrate off of...all I want to do is lie in bed, read and sleep. Thank god I started The Hunger Games last Sunday. I was, of course, instantly obsessed and will probably finish the book tonight. Which means tomorrow I absolutely MUST go get the other two books and start reading the second one immediately. (Yes, The Hunger Games is my new Twilight...) Looking forward to getting home and reading is the only thing that's kept me sane this week. Even Pinterest has been less interesting this week, so I really needed a good read! I just need to find a way to get motivated to work out and get back on Weight Watchers next week (while still reading, of course) so I don't get completely off track! Thank god my doctor doesn't see me again till the end of May!

Two weeks from my last post, and I am just as deflated as I was then, if not more so. Despite several emails to both my old boss and lawyer I'd like to work for, I've gotten nowhere. No responses at all. It's amazing to me that even in the professional realm, men are all the same: if they change their minds about you, they just disappear. Unbelievable.

So for the past few weeks, I have literally survived on Pinterest. If I didn't have it, I truly don't know what I'd do. The idiots I work for are doing nothing right now, and I would literally be bored out of my mind without Pinterest. I guess I should be thankful for small favors!

And, of course, the potential job has gone south. I got a one sentence email from old boss stating that his friend now just wants to hire me as a paralegal and "work out" the assistant position. He was supposed to call me today to tell me more, but, again, of course, has not. Not that it really matters, because I can't imagine a scenario where I would do that. I am done doing paralegal work. And there's no way I could be both his paralegal and his assistant. He has someone doing a limited version of that right now and even that isn't working out. There is no way someone could truly be his personal assistant and his paralegal at the same time. And I've already told him that. At our meeting, I told him that being a paralegal is seeing the trees, where being the assistant is seeing the forest, and you just can't see both at the same time. So it looks like this will be a no go.

Speaking of no go's, my ex called me the other night (I didn't answer) for the first time in a month and told me to check my email. It was this long email telling me everything he had told me in our last two conversations...which he clearly has no memory of. I wrote him back questioning that, and implying that I think he's either drinking or taking some sort of medication/drugs that he shouldn't be. His reply was completely circular and ignored a lot of what I'd said. I am so over it at this point that I can't even write him back. I just don't know how to say "You're clearly lying, and you are now definitely ruining all my old memories of us, so let's just give up this attempt at renewed friendship (or whatever) and go back to our own separate lives."

Men are just so damn deflating. In all areas of my life. It really sucks.

Well, I met with the lawyer friend of my old boss last week, and it looks like things may move a lot more quickly than I expected! We talked for 3 hours, and while doing so, he pretty much decided that this position might be a full time job...that he would want to hire soon! We definitely need to flesh things out more before starting it, but I really liked him and think that we could definitely work together. When I left, he was going to speak to my old boss about "sharing" me one my old boss' business gets going, and then contact me about several people he knows who already have someone working for them in this capacity, so I can contact them and learn more. He left me a voicemail Friday night, but has not called back since I returned his call and left him a message to call me whenever. I'm not quite sure if he is looking for me to be the one to press him on this, as doing that would definitely be my job should I be hired...but since I am not yet working for him, I don't quite know what to do. I emailed my old boss to ask if they had spoken last week, and what, if any, decisions they had come to. No word from him either. Gah...

As for the doctor's appointment, he wanted me to go on the next higher level drug before getting off of them. So I'm now trying that for a month, though so far the results are the same. Sigh...

OMG, what did I do before I discovered Pinterest??? My last two weeks have been CONSUMED by it! Especially at work. It's practically the only thing I do all day. But it really has helped inspire me to think more creatively and to want to do more in my life just generally. Just from little things, like painting my toenails glittery aqua blue, I feel like I've opened a little creative window onto the rest of the world, and it's really inspiring.

Speaking of inspiring, my old boss and I met again last week about the personality test he had me take and how it showed we would work well together. (Though we both already knew that.) He also gave me some insight into the lawyer he thinks I could work as a personal assistant to, and we have now set up an appointment for me to meet with him on Thursday morning to discuss what he thinks he needs, which will be great. I don't think he can afford to hire me yet, but I certainly want to be on his radar for the future!

One more thing: I see the doctor this afternoon. I'm planning to tell him I want off of this pain medication, as it really isn't helping much and it's making me ridiculously stupid. Plus I think it may be inhibiting my weight loss, though I've done somewhat better with that for the last week or so. I'm still about 8 pounds above my low point in December, but I'm pretty inspired to get it off and keep going right now, though I do have to admit I'm REALLY missing baking right now. Gotta find a way to do both.

Why I love my vet more than my own father:

When I was home for Christmas, and hadn't seen my father for an entire year, he didn't even notice the fact that I had lost 40 pounds.

After not seeing my vet for a year (as she was on maternity leave), she absolutely GUSHED about how amazing I looked. Through the entire appointment she told me how great I looked, and how much younger. It was the most motivating reaction I've had in forever.

What does that say?

Happy Birthday to me! I turned 45 today -- and now I can begin my OFFICIAL midlife crisis!! Today I am wearing hot pink all day, eating anything I want, coming to work late, taking a long lunch, leaving early, and generally celebrating myself! I'm even considering buying myself an iPad as a birthday gift to myself!

As my "party" (i.e., girls' karaoke night!) isn't till Friday, I plan to spend tonight making brownies for dinner, then lying on the couch watching a taped Big Bang Theory marathon and relaxing.

And as my new car tag this morning is hot pink, I am going to try to live my 45th year in that mode -- more fun, more about ME!

Feeling better today, though not 100%. Hopefully I'll be better for my birthday tomorrow. I think the treadmill and going to bed early last night helped.

Once again today I'm incredibly bored at work. My bosses are ignoring everything I've given them in the past few days, even though several things have now passed deadlines. I've gotten soooo tired of the passive-aggressive nature of this whole office. I think it is probably the biggest factor in how I feel physically. I really need to find some other things to occupy both my time and my mind. I am constantly telling myself that I need to find some sort of hobby that would get me out with other people, but I can't seem to come up with one that is feasible. For instance, I have decided that I just can't do the water aerobics any more -- too hard on my hair, my skin, my nails, my water bill (due to constant laundry) and my stress level as it wasn't helping my leg, and having to constantly worry about packing for it was ridiculous. So I decided I should try yoga. I have been looking everywhere for a basic class after work or on the weekend, but can't find one. Very frustrating. I'm still looking, but now I'm thinking I need to find something else as well, though I don't know what. Bleh...

For the past few days I've had a weird sort of numbness and tingling in my hands and my feet (particularly on my left side) again. (Had similar feelings for about 6 months in 2001/2002.) And I just feel "off" generally -- like my ears are clogged, my head is fuzzy, and I'm not quite 100% in control of my muscles. Like I could drop things while holding them, or trip on stairs. I don't, but it feels like I could. I'd call my doctor about it, but I already know from previous experience that he thinks this sort of thing is psychological and doesn't do anything about it.

And maybe it is. I have been INCREDIBLY bored for the past week or so...both on the job and at home. Maybe I've got some weird psychological thing that comes up with some mystery "illness" whenever I have nothing else to concentrate on. I know that last time the numbness, etc. was distractable. So maybe all I need is a good distraction. My birthday is this Wednesday, so maybe I can distract myself a little with that. Not much, since I don't have anything planned for it until Friday night, but I'll try. I'm turning 45, so maybe this is actually the start of some sort of mid-life crisis. I was hoping to turn it into an anti-midlife crisis, but my body seems to be against that idea. So maybe that should be my goal: prove my body wrong.

Ok...got through New Year's with no more problems arising. The car made it home and back, and after talking to the dealership about the problem, it may be something I just have to live with, as they would have be able to replicate the problem, and no one has been able to. Grrr.

The problem with the ex continues, and he may have sunk himself completely with a phone call last night. He is now back in the States and is making up all kinds of lies about why he, in his words "sounded drunk" when he called me New Year's Day. Apparently he called several other people that night and they all thought he'd been drinking. I personally just thought he was doing his usual up and down Klonopin crap, but clearly it might have been more than that. And his conversation the last night was the exact same...speaking ridiculously seriously and dramatically, saying the same things over and over, and clearly lying about things he's said in past conversations. And while I realize he's under a lot of personal stress right now, I have absolutely no patience for this BS. I have the feeling we're heading towards a conversation he is not going to like.

Beyond that mess, things continued to get worse on the job front when I got back from my trip. My moron bosses announced we're switching retirement plans...though the announcement didn't include the detail that the will now be paying 3% of our salaries instead of 15%. Funny how they forgot to mention that. Assholes. But it definitely gave me another reason to get off my ass and get with my old boss about getting his new business plan up and running ASAP so I can get the hell out of here ASAP. It also gave me crystal clear permission to begin using the mantra of "12%" -- meaning that's how much less work I plan on doing (at a minimum!) while I work on leaving this hellhole. I will have not one iota of guilt for taking whatever time I need to do anything personal I need to do, and that will include helping my old boss! Fuck this place!