One more of my bizarro problems:  my ridiculous unhealthy (on my part) relationship with my doctor.  The issue:  I put WAY too much thought and stress into preparing for my appointments with him.  I know that it's due to the fact that I have so few people in my life (thereby giving the few people I do deal with undue influence on me), along with the fact that so much of my life has been focused on health related issues in the past few years, but I still can't stop myself from doing it.  I worry for weeks before each appointment about what he's going to say about my weight.  I plan for weeks exactly what I want to say to him about what's going on with me so that I can somehow elicit a response that doesn't chastise me for any weight gain and that doesn't necessitate me having to come back and see him any time soon.  The second part of that is literally just so that I can eat what I want for a week or so after each appointment.  Pathetic, I know, but 110% true.  It's so bad right now that I don't even want to tell him how I've recently reactivated my herniation, and how much pain it's causing me, because I don't want to have him tell me to come back in 6 weeks to evaluate it!  I would rather just suffer and be able to eat!

My food issues and depression issues are so huge now that I don't even feel like discussing them with him any more.  There have been times when I've felt like he heard me a little on these things, but certainly not every time, and not knowing how he's going to react to me each time makes me want to just go in, say as little as possible, and get out, just so he doesn't say anything to add to my depression.  Plus, I know he's not a shrink and, while he should be made aware of the fact that of my issues, he's not the one who should be altering his treatment of me to make me feel better about them.  He is genuinely entitled to be concerned about my weight medically, and therefore entitled to chastise me about it, as he knows I am capable of doing something about it.  But right now I spend way too much of my life planning serious dieting before my appointments, then big cheating sessions as soon as I'm out of his office.  I want soooo much to be able to just live my life, all year long, in a way that is normal and healthy, without all this obsession about his opinions.

I know this is a completely unhealthy way to relate to your doctor, but I can't seem to break out of it.  I try to tell myself to stop obsessing about it and being worried about what he thinks of me (as I have a huge case of "perfect patient" syndrome), because logically I know he doesn't think about me in any of the ways I imagine (meaning that I'm sure he thinks about all of his patients about the same - he's concerned with their health, but if they're generally doing OK, with no really major health problems, he's certainly not thinking of them much beyond their 20 minute appointments).  But I still fall into it every time.

I know I really need to find a therapist about all this.  And if it takes the rest of my savings account to see one, I should just suck it up and do it.  But I'm so torn about money right now....should I keep saving in the hopes of somehow, someday starting my bakery business, or should I spend it on a shrink?  First world problems, I know, but they are really tearing me apart right now.