Weight loss goals:

1) Be able to shop in normal size stores.
2) Get off all blood pressure meds. (OK, maybe this one should be first.)
3) Get to use normal size blood pressure cuff at doctor's office.
4) Never worry about "am I too heavy for this chair?" again.
5) Not worry about being the fat girl on the plane that everyone hopes they don't have to sit with.
6) Be comfortable having my picture taken and shared.
7) Be able to wear the cute dresses from ModCloth! Soooo cute!

Things are somewhat better since my last post. Or (somehow, against all odds) my mood is better. Thanksgiving helped. It went much better than expected, with the exception of Thanksgiving day itself (when my mother had her usual anxiety filled meltdown into martyrdom). But the other days went well, particularly with the kids. And also, out of absolute nowhere, my father called to ask what was going on with the franchise idea and why I hadn't asked him for financial help! I was shocked! But he was really interested and we have emailed about it several times since I've been home. He's actually impressed with all the background work I've done in the past year, so come January, I might have a true supporter for once!

January is the other reason for my mood. Right now I feel like January is really going to be a clean slate for me in terms of getting out of this job and into something better. With no upcoming time off or potential bonuses to worry about screwing up, I will be able to send out applications anywhere and everywhere, as well as put more effort into the franchise possibility. And I'm looking forward to all of it. Now let's just hope Christmas goes decently and doesn't screw everything up!!

Well, the Crisis seems to have hit critical mass this week. I learned that someone has already been given the franchise I've been dreaming about for over a year, in exactly the spot I wanted to put it. Not that I can really blame the company for giving it away, since I was hardly on their doorstep with the necessary money to do it myself. And their communications with me have been really crappy in the last few months, so part of me feels like maybe I shouldn't want to be a part of a group that does business this way anyway. But I'm still hugely disappointed.

Things at the office continue to get uglier and uglier as more money pours in, but our hopes for bonuses continue to be non-existent. It also appears that major changes to the office are about to be made, all with absolutely no notice to us from the powers that be. The lack of respect for us is flat out disgusting. And now that my Plan B has been smacked down, I'm feeling even more despondant about finding a way out of here any time soon.

And last but not least, yesterday I received the alumni magazine from my high school that included photos from the class reunion I didn't attend last month. It included photos of several of what I will rudely, but honestly, say where the biggest loser girls in my class, all happily smiling with their husbands and children. Granted, none of their husbands were Brad Pitt or anything, but clearly they were all happy, which is all that counts. And for the first time in a long time I had a really sharp pang of "what is so wrong with me that I can't find any of that?" And it was not a good feeling. For the past few years I think I've had a lot less of that feeling then I had in my 30's, but it can still work myself into a pretty good depression thinking about my missed opportunities regarding having my own family. Or really, and worse, the fact that I really haven't even HAD the opportunity since I was about 22. And I just can't figure out how I've wasted the last 20 years doing next to nothing but working while everyone else in the world, including all the dorks from high school (yes, I know that's mean), managed to find husbands and have kids and great careers.

I just really feel like the universe is against me right now, all the way around.

Got a Zillow notice yesterday that the value of my house has gone down another $3500. It's now worth almost $20K less than I paid for it. Depressing. But also strangely motivating. While it keeps me from any options of moving elsewhere for probably a good long while, it somehow gave me the feeling that I need to look at things from another point of view. Number one, I love my house. It needs a lot of work, but I still love it. Number two, this job I hate so much at least provides me a means of affording the house, unlike so many other people in the country right now. And since I'm having no luck in getting out of this job right now, maybe I need to look at it solely from that perspective for awhile.

Another thing I've been thinking about this week is how I realized, after attending the Bakerella book signing last weekend, that there might be small ways for me to keep my motivation going, just by finding ways to get out and get more involved in the food/baking/blogging/business world a little more. Not only might this get me some valuable knowledge about all of the above, it might actually also find me some new friends with similar interests. (And I have to admit, that as much as I enjoyed the book signing, it was horribly depressing to have no one to talk to about it because no one else even cares who she is or why I'm interested in such things.) So I'm going to start looking for more blogs, website, groups, events, etc. that I can get involved with until I find a way out of my present nightmare. And maybe those things will even make my nightmare more bearable in the meantime!

Am I also the only person in the world who that that Jonathan Franzen's first book was the worst book they'd ever read? Why in the world I even finished it, I don't know. Maybe because I figured it just HAD to get better somewhere for the world to be so in love with it. But it didn't. It was an ugly, horrible book. And because of that opinion, you couldn't pay to read his new one. But somehow, once again, the world seems to disagree with me.

Am I the only person in the world who is afraid of Facebook? The whole idea of it really creeps me out, at least in terms of personal pages. Business pages are fine. But the personal pages where you post every stupid little thought in your head is just BEYOND narcissictic to me, and the possibilities for being stalked by people I never want to hear from again are just scary. Maybe I'm just way too private for the current social world, but I just don't get it. At all.

Having another day of feeling completely "unheard." Which means another day feeling on the edge of tears at any time. Not a fun way to live. Even little things are making me sad today....like how much I want to talk to someone about the book I just finished, ("Room" by Emma Donaghue), have no one I know who will read it. I sooooooooooo need some new friends. I just need to make the effort to make some. I keep thinking about getting a part time Saturday job (which would also give me another tiny source of cupcake money)....I really need to get off my ass and find one. Or if not that, volunteer again on one of the weekend days. SOMETHING!

More random thoughts:

Still having issues with having to listen to all of my mother's trivial crap every day, particularly while things at the office get more and more unbearable. I HAVE to find a way to get out of here ASAP!

After the horrible SCORE meeting, I am desperately trying to find new sources of business/entrepreneurship advice, but having a hard time. Am considering just walking into Miss Thing's store around the corner, telling her that I want one too, and asking for advice. This might turn her right to the franchise to request sole territory rights, but I may have to risk it. Still trying to decide.

One good thing: I am, very, very slowly getting some weight off. And I've been able to do it without completely starving myself. Though I will admit that I am hungry more often than I like. But I've been able to do some satisfying cheating without any major repercussions as long as I get right back to being good. And I've even had some days where the treadmill actually felt really good. If I could be at least 10 pounds down when I see the doctor again in November, I'd be happy.

Fall is finally here, which always gives me a lift. I actually walked outside this weekend, even though it bothered my shins the next day. Just being out in the sun and the cool air was wonderful. I'm going to start doing it at lunch on weekdays again too, which hopefully will help the weight loss as well.

My most recent ex has shown back up again. This time because he's getting yet another divorce. Of course just replying to his initial "friend" email started the whole cascade of over the top compliments and thinly veiled come ons. Ick. Why do I always forget that he's like that?? Well, this time I wrote him back and told him to back off, that there was no way that was happening and that he needed to accept that if he wanted to have any contact with me at all. While of course he replied that that wasn't what he meant, yada yada, clearly it was. My guess is that's the last I'll hear from him. Which is exactly what I want. No attention at all really is better than that BS. It makes my skin crawl. And he just isn't capable of anything else. Again...ick.

Why is that people who spend their lives continuously trying to be responsible (for everything!) and do the right things are so rarely rewarded in any way, shape or fashion? Why do so many half-ass, lazy, stupid people get to slide through life with no problem? (Eek! I almost sound Republican!)

The number one sign that not only is your life pathetic, but that you're also a flat out lazy ass? When you skip your workout for two days in a row because you have to use the time to watch the taped shows on your DVR because you're afraid you're about to run out of space and some of your "Fall Premiere Week" shows might not get taped!!

There is a line in "Her Fearful Symmetry" that says the most important thing in the world is to feel heard and understood. When I read it, it hit me like a ton of bricks how true that is. Because right now I feel like I am 100% unheard and un-understood and it is the most horrible, depressing, crushing feeling. Most of it comes from my family not wanting to even HEAR about my cupcake store plans, much less get involved in them. I recognize that it sounds like sort of a bizarre thing for me to be considering considering my personality and my past, but if they would pay any attention at all, they would realize it's very well thought out and that I am not about to risk every penny I have on something like this. If any of them were thinking about something like this, I would be asking them all kinds of questions and looking into it on the internet myself, just to educate myself better about it. But not one of them has done that, even after I've asked them to. And not only does that hurt my feelings, but it also REALLY pisses me off. Especially when it comes to my mother. Of course, she has her own agenda in being against it as she thinks me starting this business will keep me from going on any more expensive trips with her and will keep me from being able to support her when she starts losing it. Well, guess what Mom? I don't have the money to do either of those things now, so why should I sacrifice a chance at doing something that makes me happy? In fact, even if I DID have that kind of money now, I am literally so pissed that she would rather have me sacrifice the rest of my life just for her, that it only makes me want to pursue the dream even more! Not that I don't love her and want her to be OK in old age, but I am not an only child here, and the other two are just as responsible for her as I am, if not more so since she has done much more for them financially in the past than she has ever done for me. And as I tell her constantly, they are both already married with children. Taking in the grandma won't effect their lives nearly as much as it would effect mine. Taking her in would basically doom me to being single and childless forever, as well as probably doom me to a horrible job like the one I'm in now as well. And maybe it's supremely selfish, but I am just not willing to do that. So the cupcake dream is actually getting more fire behind it just from all of this "fuck you all, I'm going to do it alone" attitude I'm developing. And it no one will listen, well, I guess this blog will just get a LOT more entries!

Why do I seem to be the only person I know with a full time, regular office job? And why does no one I know recognize this??? Particularly everyone in my family! I am sick to death of everyone assuming that I all the free time and vacation that they have, as well as all kinds of money just floating around waiting to be spent on crazy crap they come up with. And it REALLY pisses me off that my sister continued to text me questions on my cell phone all the time, when she has been told REPEATEDLY that I do not have it attached to my hip when I am either home or in the office. IF YOU NEED TO SPEAK TO ME, CALL ME. YOU ARE HOLDING A PHONE IN YOUR HAND. USE IT FOR ITS INITIAL PURPOSE. GGGGGGRRRRRRR!!!!!!

There is not a more beautifully written, haunting, and soulful song than Alanis Morrisette's "Torch."   My heart literally breaks every single time I listen to it.   It literally makes you ache for her....and the man she sings of.   

Yet another sign of the midlife crisis: just about anything makes me cry these days. Any emotion at all can bring on the tears, which is not like me at all generally. Last night I cried through the beginning of the Saints game. This morning I'm tearing up at a blog post by one of my favorite authors (yay, Stacey Ballis!) recounting all of the good things that have happened to her this year. And interestingly, the tears in both instances are only slightly based on a "oh poor me" feeling. Of course, there's always a small component of that since I am so generally unhappy with my life right now. But a lot of it is a sort of sympathetic happiness as well, which is weird. I am so happy that New Orleans has such a great team to focus on right now after everything the city has been through. And I am genuinely happy for Stacey as she completely deserves her current joy. And both things give me a sense of hope in general too. But the crying is new. And interesting.

Random thoughts/frustrations from my ponderings over the long weekend:

How did I manage to find a career with a salary that tops out in a range that no other job seems to pay and a skill set that no one seems to understand??

How many non-legal jobs will I need to do at once to keep me in my house with medical insurance and the day to day expenses of life? There don't seem to be many that pay my salary out there...my salary range is sort of a dead zone for some reason. I'm either way over-qualified (and over paid) for jobs, or don't have the specific training needed for the higher paid jobs.

Why does no one else seem to understand that trading money for happiness isn't such a horrific idea?

Now let's try to list all the negatives of a cupcake shop (and my hopes for making them less negative):

1. Potential financial ruin. Always a possibility. But I sort of doubt it, as I'm not the type of person to risk it all on this type of thing. And I am definitely the type of person to work my ass off to make sure it doesn't happen. Yes, things will definitely be tight in the beginning, and possibly for a long while, but I think even if things went really badly I would be able to find a way to transition it to something better. And if worst really came to worst, I will always be able to return to law.

2. Giving up sleep, weekends and vacations. Small business owners don't get any of those, particularly at first. And I love and value all of those things. However, I would hope that the business would be like the child I never had, and that I would be so excited about it that I would be happy to trade those things (for a while at least) to put my time and effort into building the business. And I would also hope that I would get some of those things back in a few years, once the business was stable and I had competent people to help me run it.

3. The physical toll of a mostly standing job. This may sound silly, but for someone with a back injury and a life of sitting jobs, it's actually a big deal. I may really hate it. However, I think it will eventually be really good for me healthwise. (And as the boss, I can always allow chairs at times.)

4. No family support. As of right now, everyone thinks this idea is ridiculous. Primarily because no one in my family has really seen the cupcake craze up close (and therefore it seems like a bizarre choice to them) and, because I have always been a very corporate type person, they don't picture me doing something that I think they all consider somewhat brainless. So for now at least, I really don't have anyone looking to provide much support....certainly not financially or physically. And that has been really hard for me to deal with. Particularly because I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it in detail, as no one understands all of the reasons I think it would be good for me. All I can hope for at this point is that if I really do it, they will support me once it's done. And I think they would, in general. But getting to the "done" stage is going to be a lot of hard work and it would really suck to do it completely alone.

Advantages to starting a cupcake business vs. staying in this horrible paralegal job:

1. All the learning opportunities: everything about it would be new! And while I'm sure a lot of it would be frustrating at times, I actually think learning the ins and outs of starting my own business would be fun and challenging. Nothing here is fun or challenging any more.

2. I'd get to meet a lot of new people, from business consultants to bankers to real estate agents to contractors to vendors to customers. My world right now is incredibly (and stiflingly) small and is in critical need of expansion.

3. While I would still be somewhat at the mercy of others, particularly in the beginning, I would eventually get to be mostly my own boss. After years and years of idiot lawyers, this is HUGE for someone with my control issues.

4. I would be able to out and about much more, particularly if I did deliveries for parties and weddings. Just the possibility of getting to drive around a bit is exciting to me. I feel like I live in this office and my house and that's it right now. I barely even get to see the outdoors. So my shop will definitely have to have a wall of windows!

5. The biggest advantage: it will be a HAPPY business, not one where everyone involved has been hurt in one way or another and is now in some contentious battle for money.

You know your life is pathetic when you are being completely mind controlled by a cupcake.

In the hopes of getting a kick in the ass to start moving again on my Cupcake Dream, I went to the new cupcake store at lunch today and got a caramel cupcake, one of their few flavors I hadn't already had, and one of my very favorites in general. Getting it back to the office and trying it, it is only "just-OK". Fine, but not great. Mine are much better. However, two hours after first starting to eat it and realizing that it's not great, and being almost sick from the sweetness of it, I still can't bring myself to just throw it away. I've eaten two thirds of it already just picking at it all afternoon. WTF? So now I'm sitting here doing my own psychotherapy about it...about how I know it would feel empowering to throw it out, but still can't manage to do it because what if I later wish I hadn't? And then there's the part of me that likes having it sitting here, even if I don't eat it, because it plays into my "having enough" issues. (I'm even starting to tell myself that having it sitting here and not eating it is actually even more empowering than throwing it out...though deep down I know that's not really true, because there's still a very good chance I'll eat more of it at some point.) God, food issues are unbelievably exhausting!!

Why do so many novels carry on for 95% of the book as fairly non-serious, then suddenly, without warning, kill one of the main characters? I have read several like that recently, including the book I finished last night, and for some reason it always DEVASTATES me. To the point of literally feeling depressed all the next day. Of couse, it didn't help that I also spent two hours last night watching Spike Lee's new Katrina documentary, and anything about Katrina gets me both depressed and overwhelmed with the desire to go back to New Orleans and try to change things there, which in reality I know I never could. But that's a whole other post...

I also passed a "Now Open" on the new cupcake store opening around the corner from my office this morning, which only added to my depression. I would sooooo rather be baking cupcakes today than dealing with idiot lawyers. But with no money and no support from family or friends, that may never happen....and thinking about that REALLY depresses me.

Sigh.... You know it's a bad day when three of your all time favorite things -- books, TV and cupcakes -- are all making you sad instead of happy. This is definitely a "life sucks" kind of day.

Random notes, both good and bad:

1. I am NOT prediabetic! It took forever to get the results from the last test, but with the additional weight I've lost, my blood sugar is the lowest it's been in a long time. Halle-fucking-luyah! Now I just need to keep my good habits going to keep it that way!

2. I'm working on a major job-related depression. Well, actually, that's been happening forever, but lately even more so. The Italy mood bump has now completely worn off and I am feeling completely trapped in my life again. With no energy to do anything constructive about it.

3. Turns out the Buckhead Gigi's is opening literally right around the corner from my current office. I have to drive by it every damn day. It's like the universe is trying to rub it in.

Who knew it was going to be this hard to find time to blog? Actually, me, I guess, since I suck at keeping up with journals in general. But I thought doing it online would be more convenient. Guess not.

Still awaiting lab results from my July MD appt to see if my glucose is still high. I'd lost more weight and he was very happy with that, and hoped that that would get the glucose down to normal. However, (and I should probably say of course), since my next appt isn't till November, I've spent this week eating almost (but not quite) anything I wanted and have already gained back 4 pounds. But I have still been diligent about the walking, which I'm proud of, and I don't think I'll have any real problem going back to my "good" diet next week, which is new. Most of the time I feel like it will be a terrible struggle to start being "good" again. So maybe I really am making some strides.

I started carrying the new red purse I bought in Florence yesterday. Believe it or not, it really does make me feel just a tad bit more fashionable. And several people have already complimented me on it....primarily because it's so unlike me. I am not a red purse kind of girl. But I've been thinking that it's about time to become one. Maybe I can use the red purse as the first step in making my little midlife crisis a positive thing. I already have a peppier attitude when I'm carrying it. And since I have not yet lost my "Italy has opened my eyes to the possibilities of the world" feeling, I'm going to do everything I can to keep it all going and snowball it into the energy I need to really motivate myself to make the major changes I need to make: lose the weight and find a more satisfying career. (And then when I've done it all, I'll write a book about it called "It all started with a red purse...!)

Best memories of Italy, by city, #1's only:

Rome:  meeting the Norwegian couple during our rooftop garden dinner without the group

Florence:  watching the fireworks from the hotel roof bar

Venice:  happy hour at the hotel's outdoor patio on the Grand Canal

More memories later...

Lessons learned in Italy:

1) Italy is a stunning country.

2) Everyone should find some way to travel if at all possible. We all need to see that other people in the world live very differently from us, and our way is not the only way....by a long shot.

3) I will never go on a group tour again. I want to set my own list of things to see, places to go and what pace to do it all at.

4) Never travel during the summer, unless it's to Iceland. Sweating through your vacation is not pleasant and makes for unattractive travel photos.

5) Running shoes are literal lifesavers. They may not be cute, but neither are bandaid covered feet.

6) If you walk enough, you can eat absolutely anything on a trip and not gain an ounce! Yay!! (Though I'm not sure if unlimited gelato, tiramisu and bread helped the prediabetes situation a lot...but screw it, I was on vacation!)

My last day of work before my trip, and as usual before a vacation, I'm much more stressed than excited. Trying to get loose ends tied up both here and at home, all the while listening to my mother obsess over the most trivial details of packing...no wonder I have high blood pressure! But I'm going to do my damndest to get on that plane on Wednesday and leave it all behind me...well, except for my mother...but I will lecture her in the airport to do the same thing. I refuse to pay a third of my savings for a trip where I'm a stressed out mess!

Well, it's now official. I'm prediabetic. My glucose was still a little high even after I'd lost 9 pounds and eaten almost nothing but vegetables. So now the Starvation & Torture Plan must be instituted in earnest to get this weight off because I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO BECOME DIABETIC!

Of course this news comes five days before I leave for Italy, which totally and completely SUCKS. I hope it doesn't ruin the whole experience of eating there for me. If I end up being a stressed out mess on vacation, I might as well just hang it up.

Went back for my bloodwork today. Crossing my fingers the glucose level is down. Though I did nothing to help it with the evil lunch I had after I left. (Once again, felt like I deserved one bad meal before getting back on the health/diet wagon.) No matter what (or so I hope!) I am now free of the doctor until a month after I return from my trip. I am just now beginning to feel the urgency of getting ready to leave. I'm sure pure panic will set in soon. I'm just praying the trip itself goes well. I REALLY need a wonderful vacation. I want to come back rested and relaxed and with a whole new energy to find a better, happier career and a happier life to go along with it. (No pressure...)

Damn, that doctor is smart! He is brilliant at finding ways to make me have to come back constantly, giving me no time to cheat on the Starvation and Torture Plan. I thought I'd see him today and be done with him until after my trip. But no. Because I screwed up one of my BP meds, he couldn't do the blood work he wanted to do, so now I have to go back next Wednesday. This completely screws with any plan I had to sneak in some carbs this weekend. (Well, except for the Whopper with cheese I ate on the way back to work from my appointment today. I'm allowing myself one really bad meal and that was it.) At least after that he doesn't want to see me again until he end of July, so if I end up gaining any weight in Italy, I'll have a month to get it off again before I have to get weighed again. And the blood pressure was back down today, even on only two days of the correct dosage of meds, which was good. Now if I can just keep it down during my last week of work before the trip. With several briefs due next week, and trying to get loose ends tied up before I go, it will definitely be a challenge. But just knowing that next week is my last week of having to choke down all my frustration and anger for this place might help somewhat. I hope!

Realized last night that I've been taking too little blood pressure medication for the last two weeks. Not good...especially when the office has been an absolute nightmare and I have the doctor's appointment to check it tomorrow morning. I'm hoping that maybe the 8 pounds lost, plus all the extra exercise over the past two weeks will make up for it. We'll see, I guess.

I'm also having a small freakout today because I am unable to do any exercise at all today, the all important day before the appointment. Work kept me from walking at lunch and I have a concert with a friend tonight after work (that was booked long ago or I probably would have turned it down -- a concert without booze is going to suck!), so there will be no treadmill and Biggest Loser for me tonight. The guilt and anxiety is amazing. How sad is that I would actually much rather stay home and work out than go to a concert with my best friend? I need serious psychological help.

Holy crap, the starvation and torture thing is actually working! Eight pounds down in two weeks! Unfortunately, I gained two of them the weekend AFTER my physical, so the doctor won't be nearly as impressed as he should be when I see him again on Friday. So now of course I feel the need to REALLY starve and torture myself for the next two days to try and get as much extra off as possible so he'll see a difference worth praising....which is yet ANOTHER issue: why can't I just do this for me? Why does it have to be for him? Pathetic.

If the horrible job is issue #1 on my list, my weight is definitely a close second. And as both things are interrelated, they should probably share the top spot. Or maybe weight should really be first, as it's made me miserable for almost my entire life, whereas the job has only made me miserable for the last several years. But fixing the job might help fix the weight, whereas fixing the weight won't really have any effect on the job.

But as of last week the weight suddenly became more pressing when my yearly physical showed that not only is my blood pressure way up despite medication, but my glucose level has gone into the slightly prediabetic range. A shock on all levels.

And while I've spent the last several months trying to get myself to a place where I can work on more of the "big picture"...i.e., try to be more positive about both getting out of this job, working on the weight issue without overguilting myself, just generally stressing less, appreciating the good things more, etc....it seems like my current medical situation has slapped all that down and demanded that I deal with it in a way that doesn't quite jive with my "less stress" plan. It sucks. But I don't think I have much choice.

So for the very immediate future (at least until my follow up doctor's appointment next week), I have adopted a regime of "starvation and torture", i.e. real diet and exercise. Not at all how I wanted to be doing this, as I can't imagine I'll be able to stick to it long term. But maybe some sort of miracle will occur and I can make some version of it stick to where I can get the weight off and the health back without completely turning into a deprived, miserable shrew. Just need to work on my mindset I guess. Though sometimes that's harder than others. Bleh.

Funny how starting a blog makes you feel like you need to provide information and explanations for people who might read it, even though you don't necessarily intend for anyone to.

I'm also interested to see how much self-censorship will be involved in my posts. I hope not much, but I guess there will have to be some.

So it will be some weird combination of trying write generally for myself, but with a consciousness of the possibility of others reading it....I feel like I'll want people to understand what I'm writing about, but without enough detail to get me into any trouble (i.e., with my current bosses, etc.). It's going to be odd.

Wow.  The first post.  What pressure.  So much to say and no idea where to start!  How about why I'm choosing to finally jump into the 21st century and start a blog:  basically because I'm too damn lazy to keep a journal any more and even when I'm in the mood to write, I can rarely find the stupid thing in my crap-laden house.  (And it's not even a big house.  There are really only a limited number of places to look, yet I still misplace it constantly.)  And as I am on the computer for the majority of the hours that I am awake, I might as well just do it this way.  Plus, I type much faster than I write anyway.

So here we are.  

For anyone who happens across this by chance (as I don't plan on telling anyone I'm writing it at this point), I'll provide a few demographics for you for general reference purposes.  I'm a single woman, early-40's, never married, no kids.  I've worked in the legal field for 20 years and am now working on getting out, as the stress of working for idiot lawyers has finally started affecting my health to the point where I pretty much HAVE to get out.  So a big part of this blog will be a combination of venting about my current life situation while trying to brainstorm ways out of it.  I make no promises that any of it will be enjoyable and/or entertaining for anyone to read, so proceed at your own risk.  I'm just hoping it will be a decent outlet for my current sky high stress level and a place to keep track of my ideas for lowering it.  

OK....one post down, millions to go....