Still in a panic over the ex situation, as he has, per usual, already begun his crazy presumptions about us and the future, even though everything I have said to him since our original conversation has been "Slow the hell down!" Eek. No idea what I'm going to do about this. And of course for the past week or so I have also been enormously stressed by the fucking morons I work for, along with the pressure of getting ready for Christmas, and then, just this past weekend, car trouble. Car trouble that no one can replicate once it's at the shop...3 days before I drive 8 hours home. No stress there! Gah!! All I ask at this point is to get to the New Year without anything else!!

Holy fucking crap...last night I completely opened Pandora's Box with my ex. While I had some idea that he still had feelings for me, I had no idea that he was planning on breaking up with his girlfriend of 6 years and asking me to try again, which is exactly what he did last night. And for whatever reason, I decided I might as well be honest with him about some things too, though looking back on the conversation today, most of my statements were more factual about things from the past, while his were more emotional and nostalgic. Gah! What have I done?

And, yes, the British guy has gone completely MIA. Ignoring my incredibly threatening "Good morning. How are you?" IM on Tuesday, then going offline completely till yesterday. Guess he's decided I've gotten the message. Fucking coward.

Why are they all like that? I just can't grasp it. I so want to send him just one more IM that says just "Seriously?? You're 42 years old."

And what sucks even more than how literally personally heartbroken I felt the first few days after the weekend, is how I have once again lost faith in men in general. I'm also pissed that he opened a door that had been, very comfortably, closed for several years now and now I feel like I'm completely off my game in terms of everything I was doing before the last few weeks...going forward with some form of the Cupcake Dream, getting excited about Christmas, working on ignoring my damn leg, etc. How fucking ridiculous is it that one man's juvenile actions can still do that to me?? I hate it! I feel 16 years old again!

The only upside: my ex did manage to save things for men in general just a bit by telling me he'd dedicated a song I like (and he doesn't) to me at his gig the other night. That gave me one little happy spot in a really crappy week.

God, I HATE dating!!!!!!! So many fucking games and bullshit! It's now been 3 days since I've heard from British guy, though he is clearly online all day and night. How fucking ridiculous is it that I am 44 years old and still have to play the stupid "should I wait for him to contact me first so as not to scare him away" game? At this age, shouldn't we be able to just express ourselves as adults??? Gah! Now I TOTALLY remember why I quit doing this!

Turns out I spent actually did spend some time last Friday night crying...primarily over the guy. After going home from work, after having major car trouble I wasn't sure how to deal with on the way home, and baking my first batch of cupcakes, and not hearing from him since that morning, I pretty much had a cry fest on the couch. Listened to some music that always makes me cry and just let myself boohoo for awhile before I went to bed. As it turned out, he texted me at 11:15pm, asking if I was still up and if we were still on for the next day. As I had just gotten into bed, I was still up, but considered not responding, as I really felt it was rude for him to text me that late. But I gave in and texted him back, letting him know I was still up. He then immediately called me to make plans for Saturday, though my car issues made them kind of amorphous. However, he volunteered to pick me up at the car place if I could find one to take me, and I agreed to that.

As it turned out, the rest of the weekend was wonderful, short of the fact that my car ended up having all 6 cylinders replaced, costing me $1000, which, had I not had the British guy coming to get me, would have put me into a complete panic. Luckily, instead, I just focused on him, and our lunch/coffee date went what I felt was really well. I did have to ask most of the questions, but he was better about responding with questions in person, so it worked out well. I left him feeling completely giddy. He made me feel interesting, fun, and even sexy, which I haven't felt in forever. It was wonderful.

Another wonderful thing about the weekend was that I found a great new radio station that plays nothing but 80's and 90's music. I turned it on as soon as I got home Saturday night and danced around my house while baking my second batch of cupcakes. I was completely high on my date afterglow, the music and the baking.

On Sunday, I got up early and frosted all of the cupcakes, then took them to the coffee bar for Cupcake Camp, which was an absolute ton of fun. I met some really great people, had a lot of fun handing out cupcakes, hanging out with the friends I'd invited and winning 3rd prize for best tasting among the 16 bakers. I left there giddy as well, high on new people and sugar! Then I got home and stayed up till midnight watching the Saints win on Sunday night football game.

I'm actually still pretty high today...even though I haven't heard from my guy since Saturday. He's been online today at work, but hasn't IM'd me yet, which has been disappointing, since he IM'd me "good morning" every day last week (when he was off work) and I told him how much I enjoyed that. However, I'm really feeling like I want him to make the next move. He definitely knows I'm interested in him, and at this point, should definitely be over his shyness with me, so I'm literally sitting on my hands today to keep from IM'ing him first. But I am giving him at least until tomorrow to contact me somehow, as I know he is probably busy being back at work after a week. I'm just hoping he's not regretting anything from Saturday, or sitting there waiting for me to contact him first...I really want him to be "man enough" to make his own move here. Though of course it is slowly killing me waiting for him to do it! (Though you'd think after all the rejection I've gone through over the years, I'd be prepared for this, but somehow it still hurts every time. Also, he and I even DISCUSSED letting the other one know if we decided we changed our mind about the other later. But my guess is he'd chicken out of that deal anyway.)

Oh well...just trying to be patient and remember how great the weekend was and just appreciate it for what it was -- my best weekend probably in years!

Today is another one of those "I just feel like crying days", though in many ways it shouldn't be. The biggest reason for it is that, in the past few days, my right big toe had been feeling numb. Not good. I'm also having increased pain in my leg for the past few days, which after lifting suitcases last weekend, wearing heels all day Wednesday for a date that didn't happen, and then taking two very physical water aerobics this week, makes me wonder if I've pushed myself into some further damage. The dermatome for that area is actually S1 or possibly L4, as it's more the inside & bottom of the toe area. I see my GP next week and I'm terrified to tell him. Not that he will automatically send me off to surgery, but just that telling him will make it more "real." I've felt like I've been coasting pretty well the past few months, just living with the pain and really, getting used to it. But sensory changes do not bode well.

The other reason I feel like crying today is the guy with whom my date did not happen on Wednesday. He's a British guy who contacted me online and after a few days of semi-awkward IMs, we set up a coffee date for Wednesday night, but he canceled at the last minute. It was a sincere reason and we actually ended up talking on the phone that evening for the first time and that went well. And he asked me to get together on Saturday, which was good. And we've been IM'ing every day, but I'm noticing that he might be one of those guys who never asks me anything about me. So if I don't ask him questions, the conversation dies. His online profile says that he's shy, so I'm hoping that meeting in person and getting comfortable with each other helps him come out more. But if we meet in person and I'm still the only person asking questions, I'm not sure how it's going to go.

I'm also stressed out right now over having to make two different kinds of cupcakes this weekend for an event on Sunday. It's something I'm looking forward to, but I'm really worried about screwing them up. I can't even remember which recipe I have been using for my chocolate ones! And I'm worried that my current ridiculous level of medication is going to make me screw something up in the baking process. Plus, I'm worried that trying to fit the British guy into the weekend is going to cause me stress over the cupcakes too, as I still don't know exactly when we're meeting, and I feel like he needs to be the one to bring it up again, and he might not. So I have no idea when I'm actually going to be baking, going out with him (if I even do), etc. Result: stress. And the need to cry. Gah!