Out of nowhere, spent 4 hours on the phone with my ex-fiance last night having an amazingly honest talk about a lot of the shit that's gone on with us over the past several years...particularly my reticence to talk to him at all in fear that every time I've done it in the past, it's opened the door to all kinds of ridiculous crap from him -- calls in the middle of the night, etc. There is still a tiny bit of fear that that may happen again now, but I'm hopeful that it won't, as I was very clear on how much I hated that and why. Also, I learned that he has a live in girlfriend who was actually there for most our conversation, which made me feel less like this could turn into yet another phone stalking incident. And he sent me a very nice, insightful email about the conversation this morning that eased my fears on that a bit more as well. (And also left me crying...but basically tears of relief, which is good, except that I'm at work.) Anyway, it was a really good conversation, and while we were talking we also collaborated to find an email address for an old friend of ours who we were worried had been affected by the recent Missouri tornadoes and he sent her an email from both of us to make sure she was OK. (And she is.)

The only bad part -- part of my pleasure in the conversation was that it finally gave me an excuse to check off a category on irunurun that I haven't checked off in weeks -- renewing contacts. How pathetic am I that I was actually excited to do that? Loser.

And once again, all it takes is one email from my doctor to cut me off at the knees. My lab results came back, and not only was my blood sugar slightly high again, but my cholesterol was the highest its ever been by far. And I have absolutely no reason why. With the exception of my two weekends in Columbus, I have been eating very, very well, and excersizing more regularly than ever. It is so fucking unfair it is literally making me cry. He now wants to put me on a cholesterol drug, which pisses me off just at the thought of having to take yet MORE pills daily, as well as pay for them. This is getting ridiculous. And short of literally starving myself and killing myself on the treadmill (which I literally would considering how badly my back and leg hurt right now), I have no idea what to do to fix this. Every single fucking time I feel like I'm getting into some sort of a more balance head space with my life, my weight, my health, etc., something healthwise comes up and kills it.

Believe it or not, I found my happiness again on Saturday! Friday still sucked, as my Perry appointment was about as bland an appointment as I've ever had. He seemed to have no interest in doing anything new to help my back problem, and I didn't have the energy to get into it with him. But since, for some weird reason, he didn't want to see me again until August, I gave myself the night off from exercise and being "good" about anything, even though I wasn't really "bad" about anything that night either. And by Saturday morning, knowing that I had the new AC coming that day, I woke up in a much better mood. And since they actually came and got it done at a reasonable hour, I was able to run around afterwards and do all my errands, which I didn't think I was going to get to do. And as it was a beautiful day, it was actually fun. Then, on Sunday, I spontaneously agreed to Sara's invitation to go to the pool with her and the kids and had an absolutely wonderful afternoon and evening with them. And even today, when my leg is probably the worst it's been in weeks, I have still managed to retain my good mood.

So much of it is people....any people almost! On Saturday, I had the AC guys to joke with for a bit; I talked to my new neighbor over the fence for a few minutes; I ran into my hairdresser in the grocery; and then, obviously, on Sunday, I had Sara and Eric and the kids. People, and time outside...I think those are two biggies for me. And this weekend I got a lot of both. So now, how to find a new job that combines both?

Damnit, I've lost my "happiness". Since yesterday I have felt mean, pissed, frustrated and sad. Not quite sure why it started yesterday, though I do know what it's about. I'm back to a place where I feel like I have no control over anything in my life. Everything in my house if falling apart and I can't get anyone to do anything about any of it. I spend each day at work preparing things that the lawyers either ignore, cancel or forget about, even when these things are supposedly very important to them. My back and leg problem doesn't seem to be really getting any better -- even though I have good days, I still have so many bad days that it really is reminding me of last time and I'm thinking we're going to end up with the same result, just after more time and money have been wasted. And now the one thing I was feeling a tiny bit of control over, getting back to losing weight, has been sidelined by Dr. Perry, who called today to move my physical from next month (by which point I was on target to have lost 10 pounds since I last saw him) to this Friday, by which point I will be exactly where I was when he last saw me since I've had to spend the last week working off the two weekends in Columbus. So I'm doomed to the lecture yet again, even though I'm actually back on track. My only positive thought from all of this is that at least the physical will be done when I'm already in a bad frame of mind, so this time he won't be ruining a good one, like he has done to me several times, which is devastating. I just hope that by this time next week, Perry will be in the past (and not in the near future for awhile), I'll have AC and heat, and maybe even a working cable box in my bedroom. And maybe even a LWL meeting to look forward to. Please, please, please!

Years ago I learned that the best way to enjoy visits with my family is to go into them with very low expectations. And the theory continues to prove itself. I spent the last two weekends in Columbus -- the first for my brother and sister-in-law's annual crawfish boil and the second for my nephew's first communion. And while you would think that the crawfish boil would be a no brainer for fun, it hasn't always been for one reason or another. But this year I had an absolutely amazing time! Got just drunk enough to really enjoy running around talking to everyone, allow some guy to draw a cupcake tatoo on my neck, and not even mind getting sick before I went to bed. Then this past weekend, I truly enjoyed the whole group of family who came to the communion -- my mom, my sister-in-law's sister (who I don't always enjoy), and her aunt, who I'd met only one or twice but never spent any time with. As with the boil, I brought cupcakes (at my sister-in-law's request), and her sister and aunt went just wild over the idea of my opening my own shop. It's practically all we talked about all weekend. Then yesterday was Mother's Day, the first I'd actually spent with my mom in years, which was nice. And the best part about both weekends was that I was really conscious of enjoying them AS they were happening, which is rare for me. So I guess my effort to "be present" is actually working, which is great. I've been making a true effort to work on that, and these two weekends it happened without me even really having to think about it. Very cool. Anyway, after all that's gone on in the past three or four weeks, I feel like I could get in bed and sleep for a week, but it's all been totally worth it.