Hell = the last two hours of the work day before you go on vacation, waiting to see if the lazy bastards you work for, who haven't given you anything to do all week, will descend on you at 4pm with a bunch of crap that doesn't even really need to be done, but that they will insist MUST go out today.  Reason #52,879 to hate this job!

It's hard to beat a day off in the middle of the week, when you have nothing pressing to do at home, and can lie around with two cats, reading a good book and watching it rain.

Oh my fucking god.  How the hell do I work in a law firm and not a single other soul here has any interest in the Supreme Court's decision about Obamacare today???  I sooooooooo need to get the fuck out of this worthless job!

Why is so impossible for anyone - and I mean ANYONE - I know to respond to my ideas for my life with "hey, that sounds great, what can I do to help?"  And by help, I don't even mean physically or financially...just listening and encouraging and thinking through things with me would be WONDERFUL.  But no one seems to be capable.  Which I just can't make my self understand, as that would be the first thing I would say to someone in the same position.

How about a small bit of gratitude for a change?  (Though I hope I don't jinx myself for saying any of this!)  Things I am currently grateful for:  my back seems to be doing better lately;  the return of True Blood; having a good book to look forward to reading every night.  The last two are silly and small, but  have actually done a lot to improve my mood.

Also, I am pretty proud of myself right now for having turned a really bad Saturday into a not so bad Sunday, and then a newly empowered Monday.  A multitude of botched events on Saturday had me feeling completely defeated by Saturday night...particularly fat, sweaty, anti-social, with no support from anyone and no willpower at all.  Somehow, however, I managed to realize on Sunday that that was just one day, and that I could turn it around if I really wanted to.  So I did.  I committed to going hardcore back onto Weight Watchers on Monday, and to concentrate on enjoying being healthy for the next five weeks.  I also decided that I will try my best not to stress about any of my usual things - job, friends, family, etc. until after my vacation.  Until then, I plan to work on sticking to WW, exercising every weekday, and looking forward to reading every night.  Keep it simple.  Of course, I'm only 2 1/2 days into this plan, but at least those two days have felt more positive than a lot of them last week!

Some days, looking at cupcake and bakery websites makes me so depressed I could literally cry.  As does reading the blogs of my favorite writers.  It seems that the rest of the world somehow has connections that enable them to do all the things I would love to do, but can't, for what now seems like an overwhelming number of reasons.

How did I get to a place where I am 45 years old, single, childless, with a job I hate, a dwindling list of friends, an empty bank account, and worst of all, no support at all for anything I dream of doing?  And how does every effort I make to change some of that...taking classes, joining groups, researching businesses...always seem to bring me to a dead end?  I generally feel like you make your own destiny, but  why the hell isn't any effort I make getting me anywhere??  And I don't even need to fix all of my issues!  Just one, any one, would be wonderful!  A man!  A new job!  Some money to start a business!  A new friend to do things with!  Any of that would work!  Is there something intrinsic about me that makes all of my efforts fail?  I don't feel like I give up easily.  But I do feel like I am pretty limited in doing a lot of things on my own, and I can never seem to find anyone who is interested enough in things I am interested in to join forces with.  So now I am definitely beginning to question my own personality.  Yes, I am clearly depressed, and feeling negative lately.  But I don't feel like I project that outwardly to other people.  In fact, I feel like, if anything, I work extra hard for people NOT to see those things, as I know they are not traits that attract others.  But am I somehow still coming off as some sort of miserable shrew?  And who do I ask?

Two truly fucked up things I've realized about myself lately.  1) Because I have no one to share the details of my life with, I end up talking way too much about myself in almost any situation.  It's like some compulsive need to have someone, anyone, understand me.  And I also spend a lot of time in conversations thinking of the next thing I'm going to say about me rather than listening to the other person.  Horrible.  And sad.  2) I frequently feel "younger", in an inadequate kind of way, to people who are married with children, just because I have neither.  Like because I don't have those life experiences, I am not as "worthy" somehow of their respect.  WTF is that??

I soooo need to get back into therapy.