Had a horrible weekend that continued right into today. It started off OK Friday night with getting the MRI done finally. But Saturday turned into a nightmare with 7 hours spent at the car dealership and being told I may need a new $4500 transmission. Then on Sunday, my mother and sister, who are in Pennsylvania, emailed me a photo to show me that my grandmother's old house, that I adored, had been torn down and turned into a McMansion. I literally cried. Then I went and picked up my MRI report today and it's so technically written, it's almost impossible to tell what it says. Though it definitely mentions displacement of the S1 nerve by a "protrusion", it doesn't seem to be as bad as last time. So I have no idea what the doctors will do with that. I am currently waiting on my GI to call or email me about it, but if he doesn't today, I won't be able to talk to him until Wednesday as tomorrow is his day off. Frustrating. And getting more painful daily. Another day of wanting a whole new life.

Yowza. The leg is probably the worst it's ever been today. Even sitting hurts. But for some reason I feel like I need to tough it out until the MRI on Friday before asking if I can take something....anything! Tylenol even!....for the pain. Makes me unsure if I really do want a piriformis syndrome diagnosis....maybe a fusion would actually be an easier, quicker answer. Both options suck.

Am also crazy bored today. I definitely should have called in sick. Nothing is going on and I can't stand sitting here all day doing random filing just to give me something to do and try not to think about the pain in my leg. I also came to the realization today that if I didn't get up and actually go talk to people, I could literally sit here alone all day without speaking to anyone in the office except to say good morning and good night to the receptionist. It's gotten to the point now where my coworker and I rarely have lunch together any more as she always has some errand to run, etc. so I literally spend my entire day alone. I hate it. I really need a more public job.

On the one positive front in my life right now, the weight loss project is going pretty well. I lost 3 pounds last week. If I could lose 7 more before the beach, I would reach the first goal I set on WW when I joined. And I think I would definitely look better in my bathing suits. Sadly, I am the only woman in my family who will not be needing to buy a new suit this year because all her old ones are too small, but I'm trying to ignore that and concentrate on just being comfortable in my old ones.

I'm also really looking forward to the beach because, with the LeBlancs coming too this year, there should be all kinds of extra options of people to do things with, talk to, etc. Which should definitely help buffer some of our own family drama. Four more weeks....can I make it without killing any lawyers, amputating my own leg or starving to death? We'll see!

Finally, a positive appointment with the doctor. Even though he fully neuro tested me and found me (just like the therapist did) to be completely intact, he has decided that the MRI is now needed to try and explain this worsening pain. Of course, if it turns out to be negative, we might still have no real explanation, but at least we'll know it's not disc related and we both think that will help me mentally destress at least a little and possibly improve things by lowering what is clearly becoming a big component to the situation -- my constant worrying about it, which certainly doesn't help with an overtight muscle situation. So I have the test next Friday and should get results early the week after. And interestingly, no matter what the test shows, he decided it was probably best to avoid PT for awhile, as he now thinks it's possible that it's making me worse. (Something I'd thought ever since 2006, but never voiced to him until agreeing with him yesterday.) And if there is anything new on the MRI, even if it's minor, he thinks it might be worth talking to the surgeon about whether he thinks epidurals would help or not, and to get his take on surgical possibilities. But he also stressed taking one step at a time and trying to calm myself down about it as much as possible until the test.

Also, my cholesterol levels had gone back down to almost normal, so he is no longer worried about that and won't be putting me on a statin. Plus, I'd lost 8 pounds since I saw him 3 weeks ago, so he was really happy about that and gave me the whole "let's keep it up and get off the BP meds too" pep talk....not that I needed it. I'm so excited to be at the weight I'm at right now, I think don't think I'll have too much problem staying motivated for awhile....particularly since I joined Weight Watchers online last week (another accountability program for me to keep me in line!) and have the beach coming up in July.

So today, even though my leg pain is still pretty bad, at least my attitude is better! So much better, in fact, that I actually emailed a guy off of Match this morning! A musician even, god save me! Will update if he actually writes back.

Now the big decision.....do I treat myself to a brownie at lunch like I've been promising myself for the last two weeks, or forge ahead with my recent eating perfection? Hmmmm....

Today is come to Jesus day with my doctor. Yesterday was the same with my physical therapist and he completely agrees that what we're doing now just isn't working and that we need some diagnostics done. He also recommended trying the ESIs again, which I suppose I would be willing to do at this point, just due to the pain I'm in. And if by some chance an MRI doesn't show any new herniations, they are really my only other option at this point. Which is pretty damn scary since they didn't work last time at all. I can't imagine what I'll do it the MRI is clean and the injections don't work. What else is there?? Pain for the rest of my life? There are certainly plenty of people out there living like that. I just can't imagine being one of them.

A week later and the pain's still the same. The therapist is getting on board about the MRI, but I literally cried all the way home from the appointment today just from the sheer exhaustion of going through all of this again, and the hold it puts on so much of my life.

Also feeling really lonely right now. Specifically for a man in my life, and it's been FOREVER since I've felt that. I think talking to my ex a week or two ago triggered it....not a longing for him at all, just a longing for having someone to love and to love me back. Very simple.

So tonight I am sad that my life is once again stuck at a standstill due to my health....and problems I have little to no control over...and no one I really get any satisfaction or comfort from talking to about it all. And while I know logically it's far from true, it just seems like everyone else in the world seems to have at least one part of their lives working for them, while I have none. A bad day for the happiness project.

My back pain has gotten much worse in the last week or so, even more so than the flare I thought I'd been having since my PT visit 2 weeks back. Saw the therapist today and told him, and thankfully he seemed to take it more seriously than the doctor. I have 2 more appts with him before I see the doctor again and he says that if things aren't markedly improved by then, he will talk to the doctor about "moving forward".... which I hope at least means an MRI. Five months of this up and down crap is long enough. I need some answers...and some real relief.