Why is that people who spend their lives continuously trying to be responsible (for everything!) and do the right things are so rarely rewarded in any way, shape or fashion? Why do so many half-ass, lazy, stupid people get to slide through life with no problem? (Eek! I almost sound Republican!)

The number one sign that not only is your life pathetic, but that you're also a flat out lazy ass? When you skip your workout for two days in a row because you have to use the time to watch the taped shows on your DVR because you're afraid you're about to run out of space and some of your "Fall Premiere Week" shows might not get taped!!

There is a line in "Her Fearful Symmetry" that says the most important thing in the world is to feel heard and understood. When I read it, it hit me like a ton of bricks how true that is. Because right now I feel like I am 100% unheard and un-understood and it is the most horrible, depressing, crushing feeling. Most of it comes from my family not wanting to even HEAR about my cupcake store plans, much less get involved in them. I recognize that it sounds like sort of a bizarre thing for me to be considering considering my personality and my past, but if they would pay any attention at all, they would realize it's very well thought out and that I am not about to risk every penny I have on something like this. If any of them were thinking about something like this, I would be asking them all kinds of questions and looking into it on the internet myself, just to educate myself better about it. But not one of them has done that, even after I've asked them to. And not only does that hurt my feelings, but it also REALLY pisses me off. Especially when it comes to my mother. Of course, she has her own agenda in being against it as she thinks me starting this business will keep me from going on any more expensive trips with her and will keep me from being able to support her when she starts losing it. Well, guess what Mom? I don't have the money to do either of those things now, so why should I sacrifice a chance at doing something that makes me happy? In fact, even if I DID have that kind of money now, I am literally so pissed that she would rather have me sacrifice the rest of my life just for her, that it only makes me want to pursue the dream even more! Not that I don't love her and want her to be OK in old age, but I am not an only child here, and the other two are just as responsible for her as I am, if not more so since she has done much more for them financially in the past than she has ever done for me. And as I tell her constantly, they are both already married with children. Taking in the grandma won't effect their lives nearly as much as it would effect mine. Taking her in would basically doom me to being single and childless forever, as well as probably doom me to a horrible job like the one I'm in now as well. And maybe it's supremely selfish, but I am just not willing to do that. So the cupcake dream is actually getting more fire behind it just from all of this "fuck you all, I'm going to do it alone" attitude I'm developing. And it no one will listen, well, I guess this blog will just get a LOT more entries!

Why do I seem to be the only person I know with a full time, regular office job? And why does no one I know recognize this??? Particularly everyone in my family! I am sick to death of everyone assuming that I all the free time and vacation that they have, as well as all kinds of money just floating around waiting to be spent on crazy crap they come up with. And it REALLY pisses me off that my sister continued to text me questions on my cell phone all the time, when she has been told REPEATEDLY that I do not have it attached to my hip when I am either home or in the office. IF YOU NEED TO SPEAK TO ME, CALL ME. YOU ARE HOLDING A PHONE IN YOUR HAND. USE IT FOR ITS INITIAL PURPOSE. GGGGGGRRRRRRR!!!!!!

There is not a more beautifully written, haunting, and soulful song than Alanis Morrisette's "Torch."   My heart literally breaks every single time I listen to it.   It literally makes you ache for her....and the man she sings of.   

Yet another sign of the midlife crisis: just about anything makes me cry these days. Any emotion at all can bring on the tears, which is not like me at all generally. Last night I cried through the beginning of the Saints game. This morning I'm tearing up at a blog post by one of my favorite authors (yay, Stacey Ballis!) recounting all of the good things that have happened to her this year. And interestingly, the tears in both instances are only slightly based on a "oh poor me" feeling. Of course, there's always a small component of that since I am so generally unhappy with my life right now. But a lot of it is a sort of sympathetic happiness as well, which is weird. I am so happy that New Orleans has such a great team to focus on right now after everything the city has been through. And I am genuinely happy for Stacey as she completely deserves her current joy. And both things give me a sense of hope in general too. But the crying is new. And interesting.

Random thoughts/frustrations from my ponderings over the long weekend:

How did I manage to find a career with a salary that tops out in a range that no other job seems to pay and a skill set that no one seems to understand??

How many non-legal jobs will I need to do at once to keep me in my house with medical insurance and the day to day expenses of life? There don't seem to be many that pay my salary out there...my salary range is sort of a dead zone for some reason. I'm either way over-qualified (and over paid) for jobs, or don't have the specific training needed for the higher paid jobs.

Why does no one else seem to understand that trading money for happiness isn't such a horrific idea?