Now let's try to list all the negatives of a cupcake shop (and my hopes for making them less negative):

1. Potential financial ruin. Always a possibility. But I sort of doubt it, as I'm not the type of person to risk it all on this type of thing. And I am definitely the type of person to work my ass off to make sure it doesn't happen. Yes, things will definitely be tight in the beginning, and possibly for a long while, but I think even if things went really badly I would be able to find a way to transition it to something better. And if worst really came to worst, I will always be able to return to law.

2. Giving up sleep, weekends and vacations. Small business owners don't get any of those, particularly at first. And I love and value all of those things. However, I would hope that the business would be like the child I never had, and that I would be so excited about it that I would be happy to trade those things (for a while at least) to put my time and effort into building the business. And I would also hope that I would get some of those things back in a few years, once the business was stable and I had competent people to help me run it.

3. The physical toll of a mostly standing job. This may sound silly, but for someone with a back injury and a life of sitting jobs, it's actually a big deal. I may really hate it. However, I think it will eventually be really good for me healthwise. (And as the boss, I can always allow chairs at times.)

4. No family support. As of right now, everyone thinks this idea is ridiculous. Primarily because no one in my family has really seen the cupcake craze up close (and therefore it seems like a bizarre choice to them) and, because I have always been a very corporate type person, they don't picture me doing something that I think they all consider somewhat brainless. So for now at least, I really don't have anyone looking to provide much support....certainly not financially or physically. And that has been really hard for me to deal with. Particularly because I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it in detail, as no one understands all of the reasons I think it would be good for me. All I can hope for at this point is that if I really do it, they will support me once it's done. And I think they would, in general. But getting to the "done" stage is going to be a lot of hard work and it would really suck to do it completely alone.

Advantages to starting a cupcake business vs. staying in this horrible paralegal job:

1. All the learning opportunities: everything about it would be new! And while I'm sure a lot of it would be frustrating at times, I actually think learning the ins and outs of starting my own business would be fun and challenging. Nothing here is fun or challenging any more.

2. I'd get to meet a lot of new people, from business consultants to bankers to real estate agents to contractors to vendors to customers. My world right now is incredibly (and stiflingly) small and is in critical need of expansion.

3. While I would still be somewhat at the mercy of others, particularly in the beginning, I would eventually get to be mostly my own boss. After years and years of idiot lawyers, this is HUGE for someone with my control issues.

4. I would be able to out and about much more, particularly if I did deliveries for parties and weddings. Just the possibility of getting to drive around a bit is exciting to me. I feel like I live in this office and my house and that's it right now. I barely even get to see the outdoors. So my shop will definitely have to have a wall of windows!

5. The biggest advantage: it will be a HAPPY business, not one where everyone involved has been hurt in one way or another and is now in some contentious battle for money.

You know your life is pathetic when you are being completely mind controlled by a cupcake.

In the hopes of getting a kick in the ass to start moving again on my Cupcake Dream, I went to the new cupcake store at lunch today and got a caramel cupcake, one of their few flavors I hadn't already had, and one of my very favorites in general. Getting it back to the office and trying it, it is only "just-OK". Fine, but not great. Mine are much better. However, two hours after first starting to eat it and realizing that it's not great, and being almost sick from the sweetness of it, I still can't bring myself to just throw it away. I've eaten two thirds of it already just picking at it all afternoon. WTF? So now I'm sitting here doing my own psychotherapy about it...about how I know it would feel empowering to throw it out, but still can't manage to do it because what if I later wish I hadn't? And then there's the part of me that likes having it sitting here, even if I don't eat it, because it plays into my "having enough" issues. (I'm even starting to tell myself that having it sitting here and not eating it is actually even more empowering than throwing it out...though deep down I know that's not really true, because there's still a very good chance I'll eat more of it at some point.) God, food issues are unbelievably exhausting!!

Why do so many novels carry on for 95% of the book as fairly non-serious, then suddenly, without warning, kill one of the main characters? I have read several like that recently, including the book I finished last night, and for some reason it always DEVASTATES me. To the point of literally feeling depressed all the next day. Of couse, it didn't help that I also spent two hours last night watching Spike Lee's new Katrina documentary, and anything about Katrina gets me both depressed and overwhelmed with the desire to go back to New Orleans and try to change things there, which in reality I know I never could. But that's a whole other post...

I also passed a "Now Open" on the new cupcake store opening around the corner from my office this morning, which only added to my depression. I would sooooo rather be baking cupcakes today than dealing with idiot lawyers. But with no money and no support from family or friends, that may never happen....and thinking about that REALLY depresses me.

Sigh.... You know it's a bad day when three of your all time favorite things -- books, TV and cupcakes -- are all making you sad instead of happy. This is definitely a "life sucks" kind of day.

Random notes, both good and bad:

1. I am NOT prediabetic! It took forever to get the results from the last test, but with the additional weight I've lost, my blood sugar is the lowest it's been in a long time. Halle-fucking-luyah! Now I just need to keep my good habits going to keep it that way!

2. I'm working on a major job-related depression. Well, actually, that's been happening forever, but lately even more so. The Italy mood bump has now completely worn off and I am feeling completely trapped in my life again. With no energy to do anything constructive about it.

3. Turns out the Buckhead Gigi's is opening literally right around the corner from my current office. I have to drive by it every damn day. It's like the universe is trying to rub it in.

Who knew it was going to be this hard to find time to blog? Actually, me, I guess, since I suck at keeping up with journals in general. But I thought doing it online would be more convenient. Guess not.

Still awaiting lab results from my July MD appt to see if my glucose is still high. I'd lost more weight and he was very happy with that, and hoped that that would get the glucose down to normal. However, (and I should probably say of course), since my next appt isn't till November, I've spent this week eating almost (but not quite) anything I wanted and have already gained back 4 pounds. But I have still been diligent about the walking, which I'm proud of, and I don't think I'll have any real problem going back to my "good" diet next week, which is new. Most of the time I feel like it will be a terrible struggle to start being "good" again. So maybe I really am making some strides.