Boo! I've been back on the treadmill for just 2 days and my pain has definitely increased. Not during or after I walk (at just 3mph and for only 20 minutes!), but the next day. I really feel like crying about it today. I have felt sooo much better in the last week or so, either from the ESI or the increased Neurontin, or both, that I can't believe 20 minutes on the treadmill is really causing me pain, but it appears to be true. The pain doctor advised me against any exercise to begin with, and I went a whole week with none. He then said I shouldn't do more than a mile or so a day, which is exactly what I'm doing, and the damn pain is returning. It's so hard for me to physically understand how walking on the treadmill is any different from normal everyday walking, but apparently it is. So now I'm really confused about what I should do. I HAVE to exercise to get this weight off -- I've been plateaued in a 3-4 pound range for the last two weeks, and I know the lack of exercise is part of it. Of course part of it is also my screwed up digestive system due to all the drugs I'm on, which I'm trying to fix with Benefiber, etc., but so far, not much luck. Gah!! I'm so frustrated!! I see my GP next week and then the pain MD the week afterwards, but I'm going to be a complete mess if I have to go until then with this situation. This sucks!!

In follow up to my previous post, I spent the next Saturday (against my doctor's orders after my 2nd ESI on Friday - oops!) taking the huge pile of fat clothes to Goodwill and also taking a pile of other clothes -- good ones that I wanted to keep -- to the tailor to have them taken in! So I get to pick up what essentially will be 11 new pairs of pants and a new skirt next this weekend! It felt SOOOO awesome. And since I did all that, I've found even more things that need to go to both places -- very motivating! And while my weight has been sort of stuck in a 3-4 pound range for the past few weeks (probably because of the steroids and the lack of exercise -- per doctor's orders), I think it is back on the way down now. And since I'm going to start back on the treadmill today, though still for limited time periods, I'm sure I'll be down a few more pounds before I see my doctor again next week, and that's my real goal right now.

Another thing I've decided I have to do, after living through another hospitalization of my mom this past week (this time for an epidural hematoma on her spinal cord after a cervical ESI last week!) was to really try and work on being less negative in general every single day. Even though she was in a fair amount of pain for the first few days last week, mom was actually happy in the hospital for two simple reasons: she had her iPhone and her Nook with her. I.e., things that she could play with and learn about, which are the things that keep her happy and positive about things. The last few days she was there we had several conversations about how we both need to focus more on the positive things in life and do things to make ourselves feel happy and comfortable. For her, those things were basically centered around making herself spend money on fixing up her house. For me, they were more centered around making the best of my current work situation during the time I have to be here and to work on making as many positive new outside contacts as I can. I cannot live my life dealing with just the four other in this office, one of which (and unfortunately, the only one I am close to) has become almost completely negative and has driven me almost to the point of confronting her about it, because it's either that or avoid her almost completely, which clearly can't (and shouldn't) be done. But I need to spend more time with my more positive and supportive friend and her family, and then find some ways to make some new friends. Not quite sure how I'm going to do that exactly, but I am definitely making major efforts to talk to people more when I am out and about in everyday life, and that ALWAYS makes me feel good. And you never know where some random conversation will lead. So that's sort of my start. It may be small, but it's something!

In celebration of reaching my first big weight loss goal, I went a little crazy clothes shopping this weekend...spending much more than I should have and buying things like a really cute suit that, right now, I really have no need for, but I just couldn't resist. And buying it made me feel like it just might bring me some luck in the job hunt. Fingers crossed!

I also spent yesterday afternoon going through my closet and getting rid of my fat clothes. The stack of jeans and pants alone was about 2 feet tall! I texted a picture of it to my mom, sister and sister-in-law to get a little positive feedback for my efforts (which was wonderful) and also to make myself to be continually accountable to them, since they are all doing the same thing. The best part of going through the closet, however, was finding a whole bunch of things I completely forgot I had...a lot of which I had never even worn because it was just a little too tight when I bought it, and now fits wonderfully! In fact, I am wearing the cutest little black top today that had been hidden for over a year...it's like going shopping in your own house for free! (Actually, if I'd done the closet cleaning on Saturday before going shopping, I might not have gone shopping at all and saved myself a lot of money...but what the hell! I deserve it!)

On a happier note, I do have one area of my life that is working well....I am really rocking the weight loss right now, even with the injury! I have lost almost 40 pounds in the last 6 months (and am now the lightest I've been in over 7 years) and it has been really empowering. It's even got me interested in possibly dating again, which I haven't been in years!

Ok, I'm just going to stop talking to everyone about anything personal. Even my mother. Now that I've decided to try and avoid surgery due to the risk of it turning out to be a fusion, all she can talk about is that that is probably what I need to do. I think it's primarily because I told her that if I could find a way to manage the pain medically without doing any motor or nerve damage, I would go ahead and quit my job and move on to the cupcake dream. She thought that was totally ridiculous and went on a rant about me jumping into things I shouldn't even be thinking about right now...what if I ended up having to have the surgery later, I should stay with this insurance until I know for sure, etc. Well, there IS NO KNOWING FOR SURE! Unless I start having sensory or motor deficits, it's all amorphous! And I refuse to stay in this hell hole of a job forever "just in case"! I will find a way to get insurance on my own, even if it means begging Dad for the money for it! And I will find a way to get my dream! It may be more complicated than I originally thought and may take a lot of money grubbing on my part, but the longer I'm here and the longer I'm miserable, the more resolved I am to get out and do something that makes me happy, back injury be damned!

Well, it's day 7 after my ESI, and wow, what a surprise, I'm still in pain. And I followed the doctor's orders completely...no exercise, laying down as much as possible (which was facilitated by the long Labor Day weekend), and still, nothing. Another however many thousand down the drain, and several more next week when he wants to do a second one. Why they would even consider a second one after I've now had 3 in 5 years that didn't work, I have no idea. Of course, now that I've had the first one and FINALLY met my damn insurance deductible, I couldn't care less how many more I have. They give me a day off work, and I'll do just about anything for that these days...even having a big needle stuck in my back! My only fear now is that if the pain continues and I really do have to have surgery, the idea of the time I'd need off it turns out to need a fusion is frightening. I wouldn't be able to drive for weeks, and would then would still have several weeks in which I couldn't work. God only knows what the idiots I work for would do with that...probably fire me. Or at a minimum not pay me. And my mom would have to be here forever, which would not be good either. She's threatening to bring both cats and the dog! No fucking way! I'd rather just live with the pain! So I guess I really need to hope that the 2nd injection really works some magic, or god only knows what will become of me!